@drjulie: 👉 Here is something crucial to understand about why this happens to you as the first step to overcoming it. It’s normal for affections and expressions of love to fluctuate in healthy relationships. But if the slightest sign of disinterest from your partner sets off alarm bells in your mind and has you fearing the end of the relationship, the subsequent urgent attempts to get reassurance can cause damage to the relationship over time. Learning to feel safer in relationships starts with understanding something crucial about how your brain works. When the brain sets off that fear response it doesn’t have all the facts. It only has a few clues to go on. So, it tries to make sense of what is happening now by referencing memories of when things felt similar in the past. If signs of a loved one going cold in the past meant the possibility of rejection or abandonment then the brain goes with what it knows and sounds the alarm to tell you this is an emergency. But the reason that knowing this is so valuable is this: the fear you feel in those moments is not only to be understood by what is happening now but also by what you have been through in the past. So you can begin to get familiar with the scenarios that tend to trigger a false alarm because they feel similar to past experience. Then you can learn to spot false alarms as they happen and choose to respond in the way that you know works best for your relationship today instead of living out patterns from the past. 👉 If this situation is affecting your relationship, I cover it in much more detail in the new book I have been writing, so watch this space for more to come. 📘 Also check out my million copy bestselling book - Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before? (Currently -50% see link in bio). Filled with insights from therapy about how to deal with real life problems. Available in over 40 languages

Dr Julie | Psychologist

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Monday 10 June 2024 14:45:51 GMT