@destriecloud: Knowing that within a short number of days I will be faced with the stinging realization that Hayden will have been gone for one whole year has been slowly haunting me. I have chosen to be raw in this small space on the internet and it feels safe to share my grief within the confines of my own corner. Trufully I have no clue how I have stayed this long here without him. He will always be in the back of my mind and is often my first thought in the mornings. Since his passing, I have grieved him and did many things on my own and I rarely get the chance to talk about him with the few people who were really close with him. My friends/ family (who did not know him well personally) have tried their best to be there for me in ways they are still learning how to be, and for that i’m grateful. To the many strangers who share a loss like mine and have connected with me like long lost family, I am grateful. As much as it is okay to grieve heavily and even bitterly, I can’t speak about my experience without also aknowledging that there are people who grieve with me and keep me in every prayer. Now, as a year draws in, I feel the most afraid, the most in denial and the most heartbroken. There is not an inch of my body that has not suffered physically and neurotically. I want to acknowledge for myself that I see my strength, knowing that through all the prayer that has been prayed over me and my faith in the Lord has filled me with has played a role in my strength..but i want to note that it truly has to be a self-choice made by me to choose to let myself grow. I have to choose daily that I want to continue, that I want to live with this pain for the rest of my life. It’s a daily choice and in my heart, it’s a choice I never want to stop choosing. I do however, also have to battle the constant force that tries to end my life. There has been SO unnecessarily many obstacles that I have fallen over/in/on and finally through.. and I truly hated that for me.. so many times I felt like i’d be swallowed by Hayden’s death.. when all I wanted for so long was to go be with him.. but I truly beleive there will NEVER be anything as heartbreaking and challenging for me to face in my entire life, even when people want to tell me that I “have a whole life ahead of me” or “i’ll go through much worse and more”. These types of people have been blocked or walked away from because I know that for people to judge or belittle what I’m going through truly has nothing to do with me. This might be the last post I make this year and I will be taking a break from posting on here… I have found a comfort through my own sharing, but there are moments where I pretend and want to live in the memories and through my videos. So I want to be cautious/kind to my heart as it comes to an extremely vulnerable time for me. And for anyone who has read this far down, I just want to say thank for caring about what I have to say/ share. I deeply appreciate every prayer and see every message.🤎

clouddestrie365

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Monday 02 December 2024 05:17:25 GMT