🐆 :
idk what to do, i don’t want to let go but im so drained and tired of wondering if he truly loves me, i don’t want the pain anymore. i feel like he doesn’t know how hard i actually want us to work, how much i think about him, even the little things like when i cry because i want to live with him so badly, i never feel seen anymore, i never feel wanted that much anymore, i don’t feel like he misses my company when im gone i feel he misses the attention, i don’t feel like anything is to do with just me. i don’t feel special anymore, i feel im being loved conveniently and not being chosen. i don’t feel he understand how it feels right now, of not wanting to walk away but the pain of trying so badly to tell him, ask him, show him, advice him for us to work and for it to work for me. i don’t wanna ask to be loved, iv asked for so long and spend so many hours a day worrying, hurting, doubting, feeling hopeful then alone, loved then an option im just so tired. i feel lost and drowned and i don’t know what to do, i know its up to me but i feel god has already shown me that you can make someone step up, they will if they want to. after treating my bpd for us, hours a day journaling to solve my trauma to become better, i ask for so much little and after months im still empty handed. it feels like we are in a box and its glass, and on the outside is the future i imaged for us, and in the corner he’s there with his back facing to me. we are both in the box, we both talk about it, but i dont feel we are both in the same place. i dont feel he truly loves me anymore, he changes and stops…changes and stops changes and stops, im lost in us and im lost in the love i have for him because i dont want to throw MY love away for him. but i feel myself pull away from us for my own good, my worrying my doubts not feeling loved not feeling seen not feeling listened to not feeling im being taken serious feeling like my clinginess is being taken advantage of. but that doesn’t mean i want to, but i have to, because im so tired of waiting im hurting from doubting his love im hurting from feeling like im an option then being bonbed with change then back to being an option
2025-09-06 16:12:26