@mamakenznp: 1. FEED HER. CONSTANTLY. She is basically a feral raccoon now. If you see her chewing on her own sleeve at 3 a.m., that’s a cry for help. Toss snacks at her like you’re at a petting zoo. 2. WATER HER. She is a cactus with rage issues. Refill her Stanley cup like your marriage depends on it. Bonus points if you put a straw because she no longer has the wrist strength of a functioning adult. 3. DON’T SAY “NEED ANYTHING?” JUST BRING IT. If you ask her what she wants, she will cry, and then you will cry, and now the baby is crying. Avoid this chain reaction. Deliver goods in silence like a DoorDash driver who fears for his life. 4. REMOVE THE BABY WHEN SHE LOOKS UNHINGED. Does she have that glassy-eyed, thousand-yard stare while holding the baby? Time for a dad snatch‑and‑grab. Take the baby before she yeets it out of sheer sleep deprivation. 5. LIE. THROUGH. YOUR. TEETH. She says “I look disgusting,” you say “You look like a Victoria’s Secret angel who just saved a bus full of puppies.” She says “Do I smell?” you say “No babe, that’s the smell of raw power and courage.” 6. HANDLE THE GUESTS (LIKE A BOUNCER). If your aunt tries to visit, you are the wall. Stand there shirtless if you must. Nobody gets in without Mama’s written consent, twice and notarized. 7. ASSUME SHE MIGHT SNAP. If she suddenly screams because you breathed too loud, just accept it. She has not slept in 96 hours. You are a meat shield now. 8. DO NOT TOUCH HER STITCHES CONVERSATIONALLY OR LITERALLY. She does not want to hear the word “tearing.” Ever again. Until death do you part. 9. BRING HER SOMETHING HOT. AND SOMETHING COLD. A hot coffee. An ice-cold Diet Coke. Maybe a heating pad. Maybe a frozen KitKat. She is living in extremes now. 10. REMEMBER: THIS IS SURVIVAL MODE. You are basically on “Naked and Afraid: Suburban Edition.” Keep her fed, watered, horizontal when possible, and do not attempt jokes that start with “well technically…” You got this dad. mostly right now she needs to hear, “hey I love you. You’re amazing” NOT “do you think it’s hungry?” when the baby won’t stop crying

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Sunday 24 August 2025 20:14:40 GMT