@kenzmoe_: How to Keep Your Newborn Alive in Week One (Bare Minimum Edition): 1. Feed it before it screams itself inside out. Breast, bottle, formula, straight espresso, whatever. If the mouth opens, shove calories in. That’s literally your whole job. 2. Burp them like you’re trying to wake up a drunk friend. There is no gentle. It’s just a potato with milk inside. Pat until something comes out or until you give up. 4. Quit Googling “grunting newborn dying???” They all sound like 80-year-old men in their sleep. It’s normal. You’re fine. Stop. 5. Flat surface > cute basket. Instagram baskets are how we end up on Dateline. Floor. Crib. Bassinet. That’s it. 6. Accept that you will not sleep. You are a snack bar now. You will nap in 7-minute increments and question reality. 7. Don’t drop them. Honestly, that’s the bar. Keep them fed, keep them warm, keep your sweaty hands on them. That’s literally it. Week one isn’t about “bonding” or “cherishing the moments.” It’s about keeping the tiny drunk raccoon alive while your own body tries to die.

Kenz Moe | Motherhood

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Monday 08 September 2025 14:26:14 GMT