The general consensus is that avoidants are scared of closeness, commitment, and vulnerability, right? But... It’s a lot deeper than just that. For many, what they're really scared of is the >expectation< that comes with it. They don’t just dislike vulnerability and what that means; they fear the >responsibility< of being seen and what that expects from them. See, once they connect with you, they start believing they have to: - Stay emotionally available - Respond the “right” way or often enough - Match your depth - Regulate your emotions along with their own - Be consistent - Be the version of themselves that made you feel safe, over and over again - Lose freedom They simply can’t sustain that version of themselves. The version we fell in love with and cling to during the bad moments. They are BOTH the person who shows up and shows love deeply, AND the person who acts like it doesn’t even matter. ❗ It's important that we recognise that even though their behaviours are harmful, toxic and for some, abusive (not making excuses here), they don't act like this because they DON'T care. It's because care to them feels like >pressure< and pressure triggers their coping system: dissociation, defensiveness, shutdown. So it’s easier to run, hide, and pretend it doesn’t matter. ⚠️ This isn’t an excuse or an acceptance of their behaviour! It’s an explanation to help us stop taking their withdrawal as a reflection of our worth. We often take their behaviour and treatment towards us and make it our responsibility and our fault. So please, don’t supress yourself and your needs to feel tolerable to someone who panics when you get close. Drop a ❤️ if this resonated, or save this as a gentle reminder: it’s not you, it’s THEM. #relationshipadvice #breakuprecovery #ex #nocontact #avoidant   - @thepsycholotea