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Saturday 20 December 2025 12:00:13 GMT

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I spent years managing my ambition like a problem. Wanting too much. Asking for too much. Making myself inconvenient. I learned to translate it — to present it softly, to couch it in the language of “just hoping,” to take up less space than I needed in order to get where I was going. I called it strategy. I thought it was smart. Here’s what it was: An adaptation. A very old one. Learned early from watching what happened to women who didn’t soften it. The ambition itself was never the problem. The guilt attached to it was taught. There’s a guilt that surfaces the moment a woman starts reaching for something large — not guilt about being bad, but something more precise: who do you think you are? That question has a history. It was a tool. Used consistently enough that most women internalized it and now apply it to themselves. By the time I understood this, I had spent fifteen years being smaller than I needed to be in order to be acceptable. The work wasn’t to stop being ambitious. It was to stop treating the ambition as something that required justification. You don’t have to earn the right to want what you want. The wanting is already legitimate. … The physiology of chronic self-suppression is not separate from the physiology of chronic stress. When a woman consistently moderates her output, her expression, her reach — to stay within the acceptable range — the nervous system registers the ongoing suppression as a low-level threat state. Not dramatic. Persistent. It shows up in baseline cortisol. In inflammatory patterns. In the exhaustion that comes not from doing too much but from holding yourself in check, year after year. The body under chronic self-suppression DOESN’T rest, even when nothing is happening. There’s always something being held back. That costs something.

I spent years managing my ambition like a problem. Wanting too much. Asking for too much. Making myself inconvenient. I learned to translate it — to present it softly, to couch it in the language of “just hoping,” to take up less space than I needed in order to get where I was going. I called it strategy. I thought it was smart. Here’s what it was: An adaptation. A very old one. Learned early from watching what happened to women who didn’t soften it. The ambition itself was never the problem. The guilt attached to it was taught. There’s a guilt that surfaces the moment a woman starts reaching for something large — not guilt about being bad, but something more precise: who do you think you are? That question has a history. It was a tool. Used consistently enough that most women internalized it and now apply it to themselves. By the time I understood this, I had spent fifteen years being smaller than I needed to be in order to be acceptable. The work wasn’t to stop being ambitious. It was to stop treating the ambition as something that required justification. You don’t have to earn the right to want what you want. The wanting is already legitimate. … The physiology of chronic self-suppression is not separate from the physiology of chronic stress. When a woman consistently moderates her output, her expression, her reach — to stay within the acceptable range — the nervous system registers the ongoing suppression as a low-level threat state. Not dramatic. Persistent. It shows up in baseline cortisol. In inflammatory patterns. In the exhaustion that comes not from doing too much but from holding yourself in check, year after year. The body under chronic self-suppression DOESN’T rest, even when nothing is happening. There’s always something being held back. That costs something.

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