i wanted to be vulnerable & share the things that i did in my past relationship that added to the toxicity. a toxic relationship takes two people to create, and two people to keep it going. i understand that there are certain kinds of abuse that are very hard to get out of, and in no way am i blaming victims at all. but there is a level of enabling and responsibility for the continuation that i personally am taking responsibility for in my specific situation, in hopes that maybe someone can relate and feel less alone. there were a lot of really stressful situations that happened in the dynamic, the most traumatizing things that have ever happened in my life, a lot of them being clear signs that the relationship wasn’t serving either of us. i reacted to those situations with a lot of hate, hostility, and venom. i did not have the tools to cope with the situations that were getting thrown at us. i didn’t have the hindsight to know to just walk away, instead of trying to beg for things he couldn’t give. i didn’t have the emotional regulation to stay calm in a crisis. there was major betrayals of trust, and instead of understanding that those ruptures couldn’t be repaired, i resented deeply. unchecked resentment can be such a dangerous thing, it festered and boiled over in ways that made me not even recognize myself. i walked so far away from myself that i felt like a shell of a human. when someone mentions they were in a toxic relationship its typically spoken about in a way that the other person is at fault. dont get me wrong, he did things that heavily aided to the toxicity, things that i will NEVER tolerate again. but i think i am in a place in my healing journey that i am willing to look at the role i played, be so radically honest with myself about my actions that I am not proud of, & then honestly and lovingly forgive myself. i did what i could with the tools I had. & whoever is reading this, if you’ve experienced anything like this, i hope that you know that you also did what you could with the tools you had. i learned more lessons than i could possibly imagine in that relationship, i loved harder than i ever thought a human could, and my heart got broken deeper than i can even put in words. no one can really explain a relationship like this. 2 people loving each other so much but destroying each other at the same time, and no matter how hard you try you can’t stop. the way i put it is i experienced the heroin of love. the highest highs, & the lowest lows. the highs felt like we were untouchable. it felt like the world had never seen such a powerful love. they had me begging the universe to never let it end. but the lows felt like hell, like a punishment. it had me begging the universe to give me the strength to leave. but it felt like i could never leave, who would ever love me this much? who could see me in my worst state, and still love me? when someone sees you at your lowest, sees your worst qualities, and still wants to be with you, how could you leave? but i eventually realized that i dont want to be in a dynamic that brings out my worst qualities. i dont want to be in an environment that brings me to a state where i am so low i dont recognize myself. i never want to be in a situation again where being in love means to give endless grace when the behavior becomes unacceptable. bc then it becomes enabling. i am not sure what the perfect love looks like, but i never want to be in a situation where my nervous system is so dysregulated that i become the worst version of myself. life is already complex and difficult as it is, and partnership should alleviate that burden, not add to it, and especially not be the main source of it. i am grateful that i have the discernment to know that now, and i hope whoever is reading this finds a love that allows them to be the softest, safest, version of them. one that isn’t in survival mode, but is able to flourish and grow. #toxicrelationship #HealingJourney #toxiclove #Love #healing - @kyriosityyy