Eline_effect 🌀 :
I lost one of my closest friends about 3 years ago, and we had to take a long drive to her final resting place. I had only fallen in love with this song about three days before she died, and during that entire drive, I played it on repeat. Hours straight.
I know it may sound out of context because this song is about romantic betrayal, but the part that hit me the hardest was “lento ngayifunda kuwe, isibuhlungu mase ngiyenza kuwe.” That line broke me. I was in so much pain, and I kept thinking, “Bestie, how would you feel if I did this to you?” Almost as if I were imagining a world where I had passed before her, where she would not be able to blame me for her grief because she had done it to me first. Because I already knew what losing her felt like.
Maybe in some twisted way, that was my mind trying to survive the pain.
Honestly, whatever I say will never be enough. No words can fully articulate how I felt back then, or how I still feel when I think about her today. How my heart breaks every time I see one of our pictures together. How it aches when I hear someone call her name and I instinctively turn around, half expecting to see her, only to realize it is someone else. How she still visits me in my dreams from time to time.
I carry so much guilt for being in a different country for almost a year before she passed, for not getting the chance to say goodbye. Everything happened so suddenly. I never got to say anything at all. And the first time I saw her after so many months, she was lying there, in a coffin, in that funeral home.
I remember looking at her and thinking, “Please wake up and tell me this is a joke.”
But she never did.
2026-01-05 03:38:28