@drewwdaniels: The paradox is known as a “double bind” - where each choice equals loss. In this situation the avoidant partner feels that they will get hurt showing up to intimacy because it requires their atonement, submission, and restriction. Yet their freedom makes them feel like they are a bad person according to their partner. Because this feels like a losing situation; they try and dance on the in between - never choosing a position for the fear of loss. Instead of engaging in intimate connection; they engage in “tolerating” the emotions of partner - hoping to outlast and endure hard conversations. Believing this should just be sufficient. Instead of trying to construct a way to have their freedoms respectfully; they shut down their desires and blame their partners for not having their own life. What they need to know is that when they learn to have capacity in their nervous systems for shame, discomfort, loss, grief; they can begin to express the challenge of being in their paradox. And in this expression - they will find both deeper richer connection; and a path to construct new freedoms that help replace the freedoms they had to restrict. #avoidantattachment #anxiousattachment #attachmentstyles

Drew Daniels

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Friday 30 January 2026 23:09:10 GMT

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Comments

fuller :

An avoidants life is one big self-fulfilling prophecy, I swearrrr.

2026-01-31 05:57:25

Liz Mišković :

I think part of the problem is how you are framing that. You, who you are, is not necessarily your behaviours. You don't lose yourself, you change some of your behaviours to negotiate a shared life. Its not all or nothing.

2026-02-02 21:57:44

Send Love From Paris :

Selfish desires.... like?

2026-01-31 02:20:13

Arky :

The problem is thinking that change though growth is going to take away who you are when really actually it adds, because you were never whole or perfect in the first place. We need to give ourselves the parenting we were never given.

2026-02-01 19:45:06

GlennVP :

Thank you for creating productive content on this topic. I want to learn and grow, but so much content on this topic (and the comments) creates even greater shame by establishing a narrative around being unlovable or a "vampire."

2026-02-23 22:56:54

Anna :

Omg this is one of the best posts I’ve seen from you. You named it perfectly.

2026-01-30 23:42:56

Natalie :

book marked immediately

2026-03-23 19:00:13

vita.radzina :

I don’t under how more intimacy can destroy your desires?my desires grow when I feel intimacy and i don’t separate them at all.

2026-01-31 08:27:56

Rebecca Walsh :

I really hope it helps us find a significant part of what we have been looking for

2026-02-05 02:05:21

nope🦭 :

so how did you handle it and how did your partner handle their side of it?

2026-01-31 17:53:11

Bisha :

so good

2026-02-11 20:00:52

Natalie 🩷 :

growth-avoidant made me laugh i like that term 😂😂😂

2026-03-15 01:23:31

NSpiel :

Run away dude:: Breaking up with an avoidant can feel like grieving someone who is still alive. It’s incredibly brutal and you’re often left with no explanation.

2026-03-22 15:37:22

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