@daniellenicole1994: April is a weird month. April 2024 we were getting ready to have one more immunotherapy treatment. Then he would be done with treatment. We were so excited. April 2025, he just finished his surgery and we were getting ready to make Elijah gain some more weight for his next treatment that we ended up not doing. This coming up few days will be a year since we started TPN again. He was absolutely miserable with the ng tube, he was too weak for a g tube, so the next best thing was TPN. I never looked back at videos of when i was learning how to do TPN. I never seen his face. The face of curiosity, concern, worry, scare, sadness, and him screaming for my attention. Why didn’t I just stop and give him my attention? I did answer him, but i didn’t stop. I didn’t see his face and explain to him what I’m learning. It was only after when we went home we explained why his port was still accessed and what he was getting. But why didn’t I do it right then and there, when he was clearly begging me with the look on his face. What i was thinking in this mindset is - I need to figure out how to properly and safely do this because this will go in his port and i do not want him to get an infection or something goes wrong. But now he’s gone. And I wish i can go back and change everything. Tell him right then and there what i was learning, why i was recording, and that we can go do something when im done. I was so hard on him at times because i wanted him to keep going, i didn’t want him to give up, i didn’t want him to feel like he can’t do it. Because my sweet boy was strong - “you’re strong like bat man, right Eli?” We went from documenting what you were eating to make sure you had enough calories in you for the day to staring at your empty spot at the dinner table, with a new bat man plate mat we got for you because you will always be included, and talking and kissing your urn. I miss you so much my sweet boy. #childhoodcancerawareness #childloss #griefjourney #oneyearlater

DanielleNicole

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Friday 17 April 2026 18:08:07 GMT