lex. :
Dear nards, I’ve been holding a lot inside for a long time things I didn’t say, not because they didn’t matter, but because I didn’t know if saying them would change anything, or maybe because I was scared that it would. I guess that’s the thing about us… we were never something easy to explain. There was no clear definition, but at the same time, nothing about it ever felt fake or meaningless to me.
I cared about you in ways I didn’t always show properly. Sometimes I stayed quiet, choosing to understand instead of asking questions, choosing to be patient instead of asking for clarity. I stayed in ways I didn’t even notice at first adjusting, waiting, hoping thinking maybe that’s what it means when you truly value someone. And I did value you. More than I probably ever said out loud.
There were moments that might have seemed small or ordinary to others, but they meant everything to me. The conversations, the comfort, the way we could just exist in the same space without needing to define anything… it all felt real. I can’t look back at what we had and call it “nothing,” because it wasn’t. It mattered to me, and it always will.
But at the same time, I was confused. Confused about where I stood, about what we really are now, about what you felt and what I was allowed to feel. And I think that’s one of the biggest lessons I learned from us that clarity matters. That it’s not enough to say “it’s okay” when, deep down, you’re slowly questioning your place in someone’s life.
I learned that caring about someone shouldn’t mean losing parts of yourself just to fit into their world. I learned that it’s important to speak, to ask, to understand because not everything can be solved by waiting and hoping. And I learned that sometimes, no matter how willing you are to stay, if things aren’t aligned, they just won’t turn into what you hoped they would be.
I don’t blame you. I never did. And I don’t hate you I don’t think I ever could. What I feel is something softer, something more understanding, even if it’s still a little complicated. Because despite everything, I still appreciate you for who you are. And a part of me probably always will.
2026-05-15 06:19:49