The Pottymouth Guru
Region: CA
Sunday 26 April 2026 14:14:22 GMT
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Sn∆ggleTooth :
I agree but I also feel like this is a super neurotipical way of looking at this. someone's intention does matter to me, and does make a difference 🤷🏻♀️I like understanding why people may have behaved the way they did.... I believe in a healthy relationship there's room for acknowledging the hurt as well and understanding the intention.
2026-04-26 23:15:18
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dmccall446 :
I feel like building capacity to soothe your partner when they are just throwing blame and accusations at you is not really the play. I'm going to defend myself or walk away if the conversation goes immediately into "YOU made me feel alone and YOU don't care about me! YOU did that on purpose".
2026-06-11 21:23:57
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scented baygon katol :
once you defend yourself, you invalidate the other person. "i am sorry you feel that way" instead of "i'm sorry I made you feel that way". especially when you ask them how could they feel that way (?) as if they don't know you. NO. IT'S NOT LIKE THAT. the other person knows you but YOU HURT THEM. pls acknowledge that you hurt them. that's the initial part of repair.
2026-06-25 04:11:06
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Tilly Sparks ✨ :
No. Knowing the other person didn’t have malicious intentions is important *for me* to start the repair process when *I’m* hurt. I want them to start with telling me what their intentions are so we can work on how their actions can match their intentions. As, when people apologize they way people like you tell them to, I feel like they are just saying the right words to make things move along because they know i’m upset.
2026-06-04 14:57:37
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GhostOfSappho :
in my experience, intent only matters when someone is misinterpreting my intentions ascribing hostility that was never there. my actual intentions don't matter but their imagined version of my intentions do
2026-06-15 04:04:06
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CharXO :
This topic is very nuanced but at the same time painfully simple. Impact outweighs intention without a doubt, yes intention matters for understanding why something happened, but taking accountability for impact matters for understanding why something may have hurt. Both those things are crucial for repair. A lot of people also take someone’s word on intention 100%, however, intent can be lied about, impact cannot. Humans are in denial even to themselves about how and who they are, do you really think they are aware enough to be aware of how they may or may not affect others? This is why impact matters more. Most people will never be intentionally malicious, but it doesn’t mean their actions can’t be laced with it without them knowing. We’re only human, we get things wrong, the more you can lean into that, the easier you’ll be to work with
2026-04-29 11:08:32
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Carlos :
I don't agree that it's only shame. I think it can be shame, but it can also be fear of the other person manipulating me. This is especially true when we're being gaslit and told the impact of how hurt we are by them.
2026-04-26 16:58:27
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Aku :
I think this works for more emotionally inclined people. They want the hurt to be acknowledged first + apology + try to understand why. But for me like the others, I want to know the intention + apology, and that’s all I need. I’m a very communicative person, so I say if I’m
2026-06-14 17:39:34
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DarkMukke :
am I weird for feeling that the repair for me doesn't land until I hear their intent and their explanation, like the apology and acceptability is nice to soften "current" hurt/trigger but until I understand why it happened or what they meant instead it does actually heal anything underneath, and so I will be forever triggered
2026-05-20 12:26:43
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Aliecake :
It's taken a lot of learning for me if I start "that wasn't my intention" but then focusing on their hurt, and asking for them to tell me how they feel so I can take accountability and repair. I still have a lot of work to do
2026-04-26 17:57:21
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SkyaLykos :
what changes when the phrase used is "that's not how I meant it, and I'm sorry."? I feel like owning up to the mistake either way still keeps you in the conversation. fwiw, it's not a me thing, it's a both of us thing.
2026-06-05 04:48:34
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Jojo :
This is great but why do I feel like this will never actually be watched or land on the fyp of the people who need to hear this and need to learn this. Very validating tho.
2026-04-26 21:20:37
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Nikki :
oh I dunno. EVERYTHING I did triggered my ex. They were "hurt" over the smallest things. Just because you were hurt, doesn't mean you were wronged.
2026-05-25 01:28:54
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Noon Moon Bloom Co. :
Oooof this was for me
2026-06-25 00:12:46
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chrisywalker71 :
A lack of intent has its own impact
2026-04-26 22:47:35
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MG3267🇨🇦 :
I agree with everything you said, I would like to add something. While the listening and apology are absolutely important, there has to be acknowledgement of what they did. Maybe it's a me thing but I need them to say it. "I walked away when you were talking and I shouldn't have done that". The acknowledgement of what they did wrong is so important.
2026-04-26 16:57:44
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Hollow 🇦🇺 :
this is absolutely true. it is shame and I feel awful when my intentions are misunderstood. I don't fully agree that saying "that's not what I meant" means you've checked out because you can do both. "I didn't mean it like that but I can understand how it could be taken that way. I'm sorry I hurt you"
2026-04-26 21:39:50
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Daniel.T :
but can't you both say that you didn't intend for something to happen, and also understand that you did something wrong and you'll do it better next time? I mean that's kinda how growth works right? you do X, X goes wrong and now you listen learn and get better... no?
2026-06-25 11:44:42
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IsekaiMePls🌎 :
thank you for posting
2026-05-14 07:50:39
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ZioWalterone :
One reason why i think we are defensive about excuses Is because out there , there's plenty of people judging your mistakes believing and saying out loud that you did It on purpose because you are selfish and evil. I experienced this a lot of times as a kid, so now everytime I make a mistake I feel like that, it's undestandable that Is hard to unlearn It.
2026-05-02 06:10:42
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Loda :
this goes for friendship too!
2026-05-09 16:18:51
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Bonk :
But what if, when its done to me, I care more about their intent than their impact? If I know they're having a rough time and forget to meet up or flip out on me. I don't want to focus on the action itself, I'd rather know why and move on rather than being stuck in the past.
2026-05-24 16:32:54
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Pseudo Ema :
what about situations where someone's hurt by something they think i did? for example throwing a mean look when i was just looking normally. doesn't it help to clarify that i actually didn't do anything *intentionally* (meaning there wasn't anything in my mind or heart that changed the expression on my face) , i was just looking normally?
2026-05-02 12:12:21
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Inflorescent Rage :
I don't think this applies to infidelity and betrayal trauma.
2026-04-29 12:46:15
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kylehipp928 :
There have been several examples with my partner (fearful avoidant) where I have done something that caused her a lot of hurt and triggered some deep wounds. These situations resurface often as she does not feel they have been resolved. I am definitely guilty of being dismissive and defensive over the years however I have done a lot of work to be more aware and show up better. when these are brought up now, I acknowledge the hurt I caused, validate how I understand how my actions impacted her and how I can understand the hurt caused. I apologize and show how I would do things differently. When we are more regulated and try to discuss why these issues are not feeling resolved, she has been focusing on asking why I did these things and wanting me to share with her my core character values, etc. When I explain my thought process in those situations, she hears defensiveness, which is understandable however my motivations were not to hurt her in those moments and I honestly described my reality in the situation and my motivations. She says I acted selfishly and when I push back on that while again reiterating that I understand my actions caused her pain and I am deeply sorry for my actions and that I have taken that information to show up better going forward, we stall in that loop. I have been working on just acknowledgement of actions, taking accountability for the hurt caused and apologizing and just leaving it there as any analysis by me leaves her feeling unseen and that I am dismissing and defensive. I am hopeful that some small consistent wins in this fashion can start to build some safety but it has been a long road thus far. Any thoughts?
2026-04-27 16:03:14
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