@thepolykink.therapist: One of my partners immediately jumps to giving unsolicited advice whenever I express discomfort. Even though it comes from a place of love and protection and care, I don’t like unsolicited advice. However, he has no way of knowing what I need unless I communicate it. So, I asked him that when I tell him I’m feeling uncomfortable, he only validates and gives em empathy. TPKTip: he is allowed to say no, and I will receive his no. That’s where the negotiation begins. Since it is something he does all the time, it takes time and practice to create a new habit. So we established that whenever he gives me advice, I will use our safe word (PAWS) to help him remember what I need. Of course, I also asked him what he needs and we had that conversation. How would you feel about having this conversation with your partner? #gotitasdepoliamor #polyamory #therapy #queer #Love

PerilousPond :

Why is being healthy exhausting?

Ash 🏴‍☠️🏳️‍🌈 :

a 100% of the time I just want to complain, let it out, you know? and the moment someone tries to give me advice it makes me feel... dumb. Like I know it's not that much of a big deal, and that's okay. But they make it feel like I'm complaining for nothing and that makes me feel even worse 😔

TeekTalks :

Pain needs a witness, not a solution.

Jasper McLane :

Paws🐾 I'm married to two fixers and I love them dearly but sometimes I just want to be heard fully without them jumping in with advice or a solution when I'm just trying to vent. It makes me feel sometimes like I'm not being understood because they're coming up with advice in their heads instead of listening

Seb 🍉🐢🏳️‍⚧️🤜🏿🤛🏻 :

the way my partner has framed it has helped me - sometimes, the empathetic listening is the help. It helps de-stress, and to feel like they're not alone in this, and generally helps to deal with frustrations. Has helped my "must fix" in return as well 😁

achtung_addrie :

Listen. I have to process out loud. Looks like complaining or being intense or dramatic. Is NEVER “the first thing I said is my conclusion.” People like coming into the middle of my process and being like “well don’t you think?!” I am in the middle of thinking could you please not interrupt me?

JoBlackthorn :

This is such a thing, and I really liked how you covered it. We started asking ‘sympathy or solutions?’ And while the language isn’t perfect; getting in the habit of asking and working with the answer has helped a ton.

KR :

I think this is what makes it so hard. Sometimes we tell people we don’t need solutions, we just need someone to sit with us in the moment. But some people don’t really have the capacity for that. They may say the right things or try to be comforting, yet it can feel hollow because they are performing empathy rather than truly feeling with us. And when that happens, it doesn’t feel comforting either.

Blue :

This one is so hard to do! I'm a tinkerer, I wanna fix but my people are able to fix their own stuff so it sometimes feels like I can't help, but empathising and showing up is often exactly what is wanted. Thank you for the reminder. 💕

Roz :

friend.... I'm the fixer. I'm the guy that meets your discomfort and needs with solutions. You saying this in this context has been more helpful than months of therapy. Thank you!!!

Karma :

me and my gf set up a deal when either if us are sad or going through a problem we ask "do you want advice or just wanna vent/empathy?" and go from there depending on the response and it works

BasicallyImSeamonky :

okay what about the opposite of this though. I feel like people have heard so much that theyre just supposed to empathize. but I get a "thats rough" or "rip" and all I hear is "I dont care enough to spend more than 2 seconds on your feelings"

Rowan :

I do a thing with friends & partners vent, advice, comfort, distract basically the first is just get it out there. second is I need to work on it and need help doing that. third is I want to be told it'll be okay. fourth is do something else to not think about it. I started doing it to know what the people I'm talking to want, what I want and knowing that we're all on the same page and it works great for us.

chloem085 :

I love you and I want that sailor moon shirt!

Death by Plants (Plants) :

"do you want input, validation, or just venting"

Gina :

im pretty specific in what Im looking for so with therapy ive learned to preface that before my conversation. "I just need you to listen" or "i want to know what you would do in this situation"

Teddy :

tsubakiwolf :

Paws 🐾 :3

Assorted_Skittles.3 :

question, in this situation would it be helpful to ask advice or comfort?

DukeOfFailure :

I definitely needed this video

Cherrie2209 :

The way this channel is helping me A LOT

Amy Vulgaria :

Honestly I wanna send this to my mum xD

ℑ𝔰𝔞݁ཀ🐾🦴 :

Being healthy and all of this gentle comforting thing is so exhausting, i feel angry all the time and all i want is for him too feel better. I dont want to say its okey i know its hard 10x times because thats so frustrating

CantPrayMeAway :

YES!!!!!!!!!

Josh Swan :

I also love the multiamory triforce of communication in these moments too! I’m always needing to practice this skill. Love your videos!