eclipewzr :
Please let me rant here. I’ve been carrying these heavy feelings because kahit sino man ang pagsabihan ko, parang hindi pa rin iyon yung sagot na hinahanap ko. Maybe if it came from him, if I asked him directly, pero I can’t rant to him about what I’m feeling for him. Ayoko masira ang relasyon nila dahil sakin. If ako pa yung maging dahilan kung bakit sila mag-away o maghiwalay, mas hindi kakayanin ng konsensya ko. Yes, I fell for my boy best friend. I’ve never experienced having a boy best friend before, kaya hindi ko alam yung difference ng pagiging casual lang at pagiging something deeper. Siguro kaya rin ako nahulog sa kanya—not because of his looks, but because of how genuine and mature he is. I never got the chance to confess because he was still yearning for his past. Habang lumilipas ang panahon, mas lalong lumalim yung nararamdaman ko hanggang sa umabot sa punto na hinihiling ko na sana maging parte rin ako ng buhay niya, hindi lang bilang kaibigan, kundi romantically. Pero ayaw niya ng ganoong klaseng relationship, especially within the same circle of friends. Hanggang ngayon, masasabi kong hindi pa talaga ako naka-move on sa kanya. Isa sa pinakamasakit na parte ay kapag nagra-rant siya sakin tungkol sa girlfriend niya—kung gaano niya ito kamahal, kung gaano siya mag-effort, at kung paano hindi siya makatulog kapag hindi sila okay. Naiiyak pa siya kapag ini-ignore siya. Masakit kasi gusto ko ring maranasan yung ganung pagmamahal. I wanted to be in her position, but I can’t force someone to choose me if his heart already belongs to someone else. Masaya ako para sa kanya dahil finally, he found someone who can love him the same way. Pero masakit pa rin para sakin. Minsan naiisip ko, kung mas maganda ba ako o mas matalino, would he have taken the risk? Would he have liked me? Hindi pa ako totally healed. Maybe I’ll continue admiring him silently hanggang sa unti-unting mawala itong nararamdaman ko at masabi ko rin sa sarili ko, “Tama na. Ubos na ubos ka na.” Sometimes I hate myself for being a people pleaser because okay lang sakin na ako yung masaktan basta makita kong masaya sila, kahit kapalit pa nun yung sarili kong peace of mind.
2026-05-24 12:48:58