@melissadivaristhompson: For years, the quiet partner in a relationship gets cast as the villain. The cold one. The one who doesn’t care enough to fight for it. If that’s you, I want to offer a completely different lens. Shutting down during conflict is not a character flaw. It’s a nervous system doing exactly what it was trained to do. Somewhere along the way, often in childhood, you learned that big emotions were dangerous, that keeping quiet kept you safe, that going still was how you survived tension. So now, when things heat up with your partner, your body does the thing that once protected you. It shuts the door. The problem is what that closed door does to the person on the other side of it. When you withdraw, your partner’s nervous system often reads it as abandonment. So they get louder, push harder, chase you down, which makes you feel even more flooded, so you retreat even further. Around and around. Neither of you is the bad guy. You’re just two nervous systems triggering each other in opposite directions. Here’s the part I most want withdrawers to hear: you don’t have to suddenly become a great communicator overnight to break this cycle. You just have to become reachable. A single sentence, “I’m overwhelmed, I’m not leaving, I need ten minutes,” does more than disappearing ever could. Telling your partner when you’ll come back turns your silence from a threat into a pause. Coming forward even an inch is enough to start rewiring the whole pattern. You were never the one who loved less. You’re the one who learned to protect yourself by going quiet. And quiet can learn to come closer. Are you the withdrawer or the pursuer in your relationship? 💛 This information is for psychoeducational purposes only and not to be misconstrued as therapy💓💓💓 #Withdrawer #PursuerWithdrawer #AttachmentStyle #CouplesTherapy #NervousSystem

camiloosg :

Thought I was going crazy because why do I always struggle to think or remember anything in the moment of conflict? It’s so frustrating! But you have explained it very clearly, thank you

MadebyMaelu-Kandice :

Yes, but apparently us shutting down when being screamed at makes us “suck at communication”. Definitely has nothing to do with the years of emotional and verbal abuse.

Bonnisbee :

I don’t shut down, I get tired of explaining myself.

Shane Pell :

what if the partner who keeps going harder causing further withdrawing shuts you down verbally when you say that you need time to step away? this has happened to me quite a few times. I often feel terrified as I feel I will say the wrong thing and cause an even bigger arguement. im also terrified incase thing escalate drastically.

romeoandfriends :

Thank you for number 5, really good idea. So this is who i am, i just realized. I thought something is wrong with me 😂

nickyr525 :

that's me alright I shut down I suffer from depression and anxiety always judged all the time

Martinfected 🍉🇺🇦 :

I got stuck in this cycle with my ex, and by the time I learned how to break it, the resentment had set in and it was too late to fix. My current girlfriend, like me, also needs time and space to process, so that works out perfectly. We communicate the need, set a flexible timeline depending on capacity, and check in when waking up and going to sleep so neither of us spirals. It allows us both to enter the conversation much more balanced and regulated, so we don't feel like we have to fight for our safety first.

Lei K :

I can’t stand conflict with my man bc I don’t want to hurt him. I just get sad.

Angiegarcia :

No matter what I say I’m wrong anyways so why bother

vett :

I go “blank” when I’m screamed at and her emotions become tears. I can’t think or remember anything. I need her to understand I don’t do well with screaming.

Joy :

You just described my husband to a T. It is so hard for me to understand because I'm the opposite. I am loud. :(

JessieTay :

What if your partner gets mad when you say "hey I'm starting to shut down"

Keli Trettel :

I shut down because I feel stupid when I'm trying to explain myself. I'm instantly defensive about everything and always feel attacked Communication and accountability are so hard for me...I feel broken

Megasaurus :

I tried so hard to help my ex work through his avoidant tendencies, I tried using these techniques, but he didn't believe he could change. He was so stuck in this cycle. I wish he had been willing to put in the work because our relationship really was something special and I wanted it to work so badly. Unfortunately I had to end it because we were so stuck in that loop and I was the only one that was trying to work on things. I still want him to be with him but unless he decides that he wants to work on himself, thats not possible and it breaks my heart. I know deep down he is a great guy because he showed me that he is and he can be an incredible boyfriend, he just doesn't have the capacity to keep up the effort right now.

Jani Grootjans :

i'm not the one shutting down.. but this is really eye opening for me.

CatLover613 :

thank you for posting this!!! makes a whole lot of sense. thanks for also giving tips to help in that moment!

charliem1484 :

I am the withdrawer. It’s so hard.

Rachel Kofsky302 :

What I wanna know is when did couples counseling become such a cookie cutter operation where the amount of therapist who actually want to explore this are only found on TikTok? It makes me incredibly upset.

a_thingofbeauty :

Tazaur :

I'm reposting every one of your videos in hope my wife and I can benefit from the knowledge you're giving us

Bee Positive :

this hit me

jamie :

Finally somebody that speaks sense

Lolli Fully Booked :

I didn’t use to be this way but the last 5 years have drained me and I’m just wanting peace. I don’t want to argue or fight. I just need peace.

jᐁffᐅᕒᐩᐳᕒᑌᕒ :

This is me… I’m truly sorry to my wife… she wants to leave me because I’m like this. But I’m working on myself and better than what I was before but not perfect. She still wants out

Rashad :

So basically, listen to understand. Don’t listen to react.