It’s TIME! Sickle cell always wins 👏🏽 I’ve shed so much tears over the years, especially this past two years, but today? My eyes fill with tears and my screen is blurred💔 2 years ago I made the worse decision of my life giving consent for the surgeries knowing fully well I might never ever walk again💔. I should have let that pa!n take me home back then😭 Till date, I regret giving consent to that decision. 2 years down already and here I am being faced with an even bigger and easier way to d!3. I am yet to recover from the surgeries that took away my life, purpose, and dreams. I thought standing was progress, and I could swear I was getting my life back sooner or later but here I am SINKING, again and again😔. I went to the hospital just with a hip pain and now? Now, I have two hip replacement surgeries over the horizon as both hips are deeply affected with septic arthritis and it has eaten deeply😭. Why is it so hard to d!3 for people like us? I just wanted to have a life like everyone else, go to school, get a job and plan a life, but pain is all I get for every dream. For every moment I paid attention in class hoping my future becomes bright, I wish I didn’t do all of that. I wish I was that recalcitrant kid who skipped classes cuz as it stands, no future exists for me. Truth is, if I give consent to this, I might never recover still and all I’ll ever be is a puppet stuck in a wheelchair waiting for death to have mercy on me, hug and end this misery cloned as living. I wish it was easy to die, I wish I could get in the middle of a walking train so my misery goes to rest finally. Should living hurt this much? Was I brought here as an experiment or a tool to test how much a man can take before breaking? If yes, I give up. Who did I offend? I’ve been of good conduct stuck to my mode of life and even believed in a supernatural being they claim seems to see my tears 😭. Was I made wrongly? Was I bridled by pain or did my very own existence stem from pain reasons I keep experiencing new heights of pain? Why does pain seem to find me no matter how much I endure? Does pain have a high affinity for me? Why does it feel like every near-victory comes attached to another struggle? One knee recovered, both hips going down. Two more year one hip recovering well then my spine? Isn’t this torture enough already 🤲🏽💔 I really wanna blame someone and say it’s all their fault but nothing changes anything. This pain doesn’t go on holiday and the world will never stop for me to catch up either. I wish I meant every smile I ever showed. I wish I ignored all those routines and just did what my heart was happy doing cuz in the end, pain is my greatest achievement of the day. Is being happy a taboo for me and sadness a void I am suppose to fill steadily? Was I made as a perfect reflection of pain so much that happiness can’t last a holiday on me? I can’t even seem to make it to my feet fully and here I am confined in a room this body has proven to enjoy💔. 2 more surgeries, both hips replaced then what next? Two hands? My head or what? Why do I find myself in a country that does NOT permit Euthanas!@ so these villains in white jackets who claim to help me can just inject me for the last time to a sleep I’ll never wake from? At this point, if exhaustion, fatigue and pain had a face, my face card will fit in so perfectly! So I am NOT doing any surgery, I am not putting my life in the hands of people who give false hopes and demand us to believe in them. I am going home, staying away and hoping pain k!//s me finally, or maybe an OD erases me. I am tired of trying, so I’ll stop running. When it’s over, just box me off in one of these, I like the white color. Through my lifetime, I got to pay for what I know nothing about! This is it, let’s wait for it. No more trying 🙌🏾. #ntahboris #borisunfiltered - @ntahboris