Marcus baker :
I still wanted you.Not in the loud, obvious way people talk about, not in a way that could be easily explained or defended—but in the quiet, stubborn way that lingers even after everything says it shouldn’t. The kind that hides in the background of every thought, showing up in places it doesn’t belong.I still wanted you in the small moments.In the things I couldn’t share with anyone else the same way. In the jokes that didn’t land the same without you there to understand them. In the silence that felt heavier than it used to, like it was missing something it couldn’t name. I still wanted you even after I told myself I didn’t. Even after I went over every reason why it wouldn’t work, why it didn’t make sense, why it probably never did. I repeated those reasons like they were facts strong enough to undo how I felt—but they never quite reached that part of me that refused to listen. Because wanting you was never logical. It wasn’t something I chose carefully or built step by step. It just… stayed. Quiet, steady, almost unnoticeable at first—until I realized it had been there the entire time, threading through everything. I still wanted you in the way I noticed things that reminded me of you without trying. A song. A phrase. A random moment where I caught myself thinking, *you would’ve understood this.* And then realizing you weren’t there to say it to anymore. And maybe that’s what made it harder. Not just wanting you—but wanting a version of you that I couldn’t reach. The one that existed in memories, in almosts, in everything that never fully became what I thought it could be. I still wanted you, even knowing that wanting wasn’t enough. Even knowing that some things don’t come back, no matter how much you replay them or wish you could rewrite them. Even knowing that feelings don’t always lead to something real—they just exist, unfinished.
And I think that’s what I didn’t expect.
That I could understand all of that… and still feel the same.
Still want you.
Just a little quieter than before.
2026-07-14 10:04:25