Did this in one sitting because i was high on emotions. ... Tw//su1c1de ment1oned, v3nt, Not rp (I'm referring my siblings as belle and bea because it's just easier for people to digest). ... There are reasons why I always disliked going to the beach, while my friends love to bring me along I always object the idea of it. Mainly because last time I went there, I feel like going in and never come back, it feels so relieving to thought so. I am ashamed to admit that I have been trying to end me along with my little siblings numerous times. The results are either I got discovered or I cowered to do so, and most of the times it's the latter. So I decided staying away from them and supporting from afar sounds like a good idea, which is why I took scholarship out of town. And For the longest time I blame myself for their sufferings. I feel like I'm enabling their pain because I am too coward to take them with me. I had that plan since I was 10. Sometimes I thought about times I actually talked to irl belle about it and with her numerous previous attempt I'm sure she'd agreed to go to the beach for the last time with me. But it feels wrong, irl belle still a m1nor In real life and I don't think I have the guts to just talk her to do it. I've brought irl bea to a beach once during a family trip, and sometimes I wonder if she'd be okay with me carrying her to the sea. And to be fair, spending a lot time with her since she was a baby. I know she'd told me "it's too cold" if we went deeper. Because I did...tested it once and even shed agreed before hand, it feels genuinely wrong. She had no idea what I meant when I said "want to sleep under the sea?" and she was eager. But I know it's not her choice, she can't choose that. I feel awful if I ever make her choose her own d34th without her full knowledge of it. She's still a kid. She's still a baby, I just don't have the gut to do it. But I genuinely can't see a future of us. It's all pitch black. With how bad my life is going down, I can't... Imagine a life forward with the both of them. If I kept standing where I am I feel like I am enabling their suffering, I can't go back home and see the sparkle drained from their eyes. I feel like I'm the most awful person ever. I've spoken against my parents all the time but they always do it behind my back. I still remembered how I was on the floor sobbing when irl belle got to the hospital after an attempt. And how irl bea told me life is so lonely and how scared she is. She told me she's lonely and how she doesn't really like living as she cried in my arms while I tuck her to bed. God, she barely even know what 7+8 is. I kept dreaming about taking them down, and I always woke up crying from it because it's horrible. It's so horrible. I feel like I'm choosing their d34th for them. So I never get to do it. All I can do is just be there, support them, defend them if I can. And I'm running out of time, my graduation will be next year. And I had to go home from my dorm/apartment. I'm not that far, just 5 hours away. Still. A lot people say I'm young, too young to be thinking this way. I wish I could say the same to 4 a year old when she was crying on the corner of our house. I hate myself, so much. #theneighbourinblue #originalcharacter #xyzcba #vent #tw - @robbertrobbie