𓂃 ࣪˖𝐸𝓁𝓁𝑒𓍯𓂃ᡴꪫ :
... me whenever my emotions and pain get ahead of me, and I react in a way that may hurt or disrespect others… the hardest part comes after that.... 'cause I don’t just try to move forward but I keep replaying it in my mind. I remember the promises I made to myself that I would never become that person — yet in that moment, I did.... so every moment i keep try to reflect again and again, reminding myself and that yes i made a mistake...I have to forgive myself...that I know better now, and I can choose differently next time.... but you know what it's hard to admit that the painful part is? — when people were blind to the effort behind the change... that you were trying... instead of seeing someone who is trying to grow, they label me as egoistic or prideful.... I've been in a constant situation..... but when in reality, what I’m trying to do is protect myself from disrespect, hidden resentment, and people who only see my reactions but never the battles behind them. ( because i refused to acknowledge and hard to accept that's the way they see me only, someone who were always anger someone who was sensitive and insensitive at the same time, someone who wasn't worth to feel the pain)... i keep thinking if that’s how they choose to see me, then maybe it’s better to slowly close the doors they have access to. Not because I hate them, but because I’m tired of constantly shrinking myself just to be understood.... (even i shout and keep explaining the result still the same they will always treat me the same ... accused me the same)... I guess right now if that's how things unfold are I would rather be seen as the villain in their life than expect me to continue pretending everything is okay while my own respect and boundaries are being compromised.... I sometimes I also ask myself… is this really self-respect, or is there still pride and ego influencing me? Maybe there are moments when both exist. Maybe healing means learning the difference between protecting my dignity and protecting my pride.... but what really angers me most of all my hunch from them... is now keep leaking and showing up...
2026-06-21 03:14:36