@stillbecomingmama: the hardest part about that search is what it took to type it. because typing it meant admitting it was a question i actually had. and for weeks i had been working very hard not to have that question. filling the days with enough noise and movement and doing that the question never had room to fully form. but the nights have no noise. no movement. nothing to fill them with except whatever you have been successfully avoiding during the day. and at 1:48 in the morning with the house completely still the question just surfaced on its own and i typed it before i could decide not to. why does motherhood feel so isolating. and even the act of typing it felt like a betrayal of something. like i was supposed to be past this question. supposed to have settled into it by now. supposed to be one of the moms who had found her rhythm and her gratitude and her village and was no longer lying awake at 1:48am asking google things that google was never going to be able to answer. and then the lights. and the answer that no search result could have given me. not a reason. not an explanation. just 1:48am and all these women awake in it with me who had probably typed the same thing into a search bar at some point and also not found what they were looking for there. we were the answer to each other the whole time. #postpartum #newmom #postpartumsupport #momlife #momtok
