@whitneygoodmanlmft:

inalit.okrimop :

my mother can't understand that it was as much the things she didn't do as the things she did.

meghansyme :

Yes they can! I can attest to this!!!! My mom and step dad were amazing at the least! My sister however Cut our entire family. And this is not a “food over your head situation!” My sister suffers from mental illness. And as unfortunate as it is. I suppose it’s Gods plan for this to happen

Farmerswife :

You say that you encourage both sides but here you are saying if the relationship is broken it is only the fault of the parents in one form or another. Not once did you say that the ADULT child holds any responsibility in their own behaviours and actions. Any reputable therapist would encourage both sides to take responsibility in order to move forward.

thespiritanalyst :

I worry about this so much. I’m NC with my parents, so I feel like it’s my karmic debt or something to be cut off by my kid in the future 😭😭. I realize that’s not how it works but I worry about it alot.

myreadybag.mom :

I love the way you talk about and explain this. I’m doing the work and recognize my behavior. I’d love to be able to apologize to my son and listen to him, but don’t know how to contact him without stepping over his boundaries and feelings. Suggestions?

TanglesTheRope :

No, there’s good and bad parents. Unequivocally. And there’s a very clear judge of who gets to be that decision-maker, and it’s the child. Specifically the adult child. This was not an equal relationship, you are held and judged to the standard of the more vulnerable party after the fact

Halle :

Unfortunately, too many people never realize that love is very rarely the problem.

lik555589 :

People nowadays just need to relax and stop overthinking everything

Marie64 :

They don’t come to the table. There is no safe space. Until they do thus is all on them because they want this and can’t explain because they might be challenged and that’s unacceptable

Minor Lee :

I’ll make it easy … “do parents who do not cause harm and if they do and fix it do they get cut off ?” No … the only way this can occur is if the child was born with a mental defect … no one is leaving rational people who love them and own up to their shortcomings no spouse can make that happen either

Derrick Talton :

😂

davidparsons :

we are still working on repair been almost 7 years. 3 adult kids 3 spouses and 2 grandkids we never meet. My wife had contact with 1 of our Kids lately so we are gaining ground slowly but we are good even if does not work

inthebusiness_ofyourbusiness :

given that good parenting is about maintaining healthy connection with your child, being estranged is literally proof that you're a bad parent. while simultaneously, being in contact with your child is not evidence that you were a good parent.

Megan :

Almost no person or situation that is all good or all bad. And unfortunately, a person's good qualities don't necessarily make up for the harm they cause. We need to get rid of this idea that good and bad cancel each other out and make abuse ok.

Checkingoffmybucketlist77 :

Thank you. I appreciate you wading through the nuances.

0 :

26 years no contact! 👍

infoseeker :

faithsgamegonewild1 :

I absolutely agree!

MrsToad :

yes they do

AthomewithNina :

Is Calling Home just for the children or for the parents as well? Do you also do a support community for just the parents that want to improve the relationship? I want to have a better relationship with my parents, but I know their effort would only go as far as doing a specific thing (like joining a group I find for them). For the last 40 years, it’s all been on me to maintain the relationship and try to fit in to their expectations and their life. And that hasn’t worked as they have never worked on repairing. So now we are low contact with a lot of boundaries, and this is all I’m willing to do until they do some work, but they have never tried to repair anything (even though my dad has admitted he wished he did things differently/better, he just quickly follows that with excuses and defensiveness, and lots of forgetfulness about the past and no follow through). I agree with you that there is so much gray between good parents and bad parents, and I don’t need/want to label my parents, I just want them to really listen to me, and care about me as a separate person from them, rather than treating me as an emotional dumping ground or a transactional relationship.

Derrick Talton :

Absolutely

Superman :

Young adult kids doing drugs are a huge reason for many families.

Cooldude :

So, I have one question for you. What would you say to a co parent. When former co parent current family constantly in news for negative activity. See I am a childhood trauma survivor. Would send a chill up , everyone’s spine. Unfortunately sometimes, when you may have multiple children. One estranged adult child copied, this pipe dream. Many individuals listen to commentary. I feel individuals emotions. I do not want you to take this wrong way. You need to grow practically this way. Your theories are fine. This is not your fault. My best friend licensed therapist, double masters. He fits this role. Best of luck

Blankstare02 :

No this is extremely unlikely

kellibeth312 :

I was in active use, went to prison, placed my children with family and I have worked over 20 years to be sober, I have always thought my adult daughters would want to know me. No, no, no. And now I have a gran coming, just another human to grieve.