@stillbecomingmama: week six and i have become a curator of what i share. this moment yes. that moment no. this version of the night, the one where the baby smiled at the ceiling fan and i cried happy tears, yes absolutely. the other version, the one that comes three hours later when the happy tears have dried and the room is dark again and i am back in the chair wondering how much longer, no. that one stays with me. i have gotten so precise about it that i sometimes catch myself editing in real time. someone asks how things are going and before i have finished deciding what to say i have already run it through the filter and what comes out is the version that lands well. that does not worry anyone. that does not require a follow up question or a concerned face or a conversation i do not have the energy for at six weeks postpartum when all my energy is going toward the nights i am not telling anyone about. and then the app. and the yellow dots. and the thing that broke me open a little was not that they could see through my filter. it was that they did not need to. they were not asking me to explain the nights or translate them into something shareable. they were just in them too. beyond the filter. in the actual thing. and being known beyond the filter without having to dismantle it myself was the most unexpected gift the 3am hours have ever given me. #postpartum #newmom #postpartumsupport #momlife #momtok
