@stillbecomingmama: i want to tell you about the specific cruelty of crying alone at 2am when the reason you are crying is not something you can explain in a text message to someone at a reasonable hour let alone at 2am when they are sleeping and you are not. it is not one thing. it is never one thing by that point in the night. it is the accumulation of all the one things that did not get processed during the day because the day does not have room for processing, the day only has room for doing, and so everything that needed to be felt just waited. patiently. until 2am when the doing stopped and the feeling just walked in and sat down and made itself at home in the quiet. she had been up since 1am and i had been crying since 2 and neither of us was the problem. we were just two people doing what the night asked of us. her, being new to the world and having no other way to communicate that. me, being new to this version of myself and having all the ways to communicate it and none of the right conditions to use them. and then the yellow lights. and the shift was this. i stopped being a person crying alone and became a person crying as part of something. and part of something cries differently than alone does. part of something has a different weight to it entirely. #postpartum #newmom #postpartumsupport #momlife #momtok
