@nimcobarako: The Good Girl Trap How Being a Good Girl Is Costing Somali Women More Than They Realise There is a version of the "good girl" that many of us are taught to become. She is quiet. She is obedient. She never makes people uncomfortable. She puts everyone else's needs before her own. She apologises even when she has done nothing wrong. She gives until she has nothing left to give. We celebrate her. We admire her. We call her a good woman. But what if we have mistaken self erasure for virtue? This is not an argument against kindness, compassion, humility, or generosity. Those are beautiful qualities, and I hope we never lose them. It is an argument against teaching girls that being good means disappearing, because when goodness requires a woman to silence her voice, ignore her needs, accept unfairness, and carry everyone else's burdens while neglecting her own, it stops being virtue. It becomes self abandonment. No one taught these women to disappear overnight. Their disappearance was rarely dramatic. Instead, it happened gradually, looking like kindness, sounding like obedience, and being celebrated as virtue until no one recognised it for what it really was. No one called it self abandonment because everyone called it being a good woman. From an early age, a girl learns not to speak too loudly or make people uncomfortable. She learns that saying no is selfish, that resting is laziness, and that putting herself first is something to feel guilty about. By the time she becomes a woman, disappearing feels natural because she has spent years practising it Many of the women I have known carried so much responsibility that there was almost no space left for themselves. Some lived with stress, exhaustion, poor health, or a quiet sadness that was difficult to put into words. I have always admired these women, and I still do. They are some of the kindest, most generous, and most loyal women I have ever known. This essay is written with love because they deserve compassion, not judgement. Sometimes I wonder what their lives might have looked like if they had been taught that their own wellbeing mattered too. What dreams did they quietly set aside? What parts of themselves did they slowly silence? How many times did they choose everyone else while forgetting that they were worthy of the same care themselves? The tragedy is not that they loved others so deeply. The tragedy is that many were never taught that they deserved the same care they so freely gave to everyone else. As a little girl, I was often told that I was difficult because I asked questions, knew what I wanted, spoke my mind, and refused to shrink myself. To some people, those qualities were flaws. I was told I was too much. I was warned that no man would ever want a woman like me. But there was one person who refused to see me that way. My mother saw me before I saw myself. Long before I understood my own strengths, she recognised them. She never confused confidence with disrespect or courage with defiance. She reminded me that I was intelligent, protected me when others misunderstood me, and gave me permission to remain myself. Looking back, I realise what an extraordinary gift that was. Sometimes I wonder who I would have become if I had been born to someone who believed a girl's spirit had to be broken before she could become a good woman. I honestly do not know whether I would still recognise myself today. My mother gave me something every child deserves. She allowed me to grow without teaching me to disappear. I also owe so much to my sisters. I do not know whether they realise how much they shaped me because they probably think they were simply living their lives. They have no idea that their younger sister was watching them make difficult decisions, lead with courage, choose conviction over comfort, and refuse to become smaller than they were. If this resonated with you, you can read the full article on my Substack. Follow me at @nimcobarako or search for Nimco Ali. #somali #somalitiktok

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Thursday 09 July 2026 13:00:56 GMT