@melissadivaristhompson: Most people don’t notice the loop while they’re inside it. They just notice they’re tired. If you’re the one who brings things up, you probably have a whole private routine nobody sees. The mental drafting. The waiting for a good moment that never quite arrives. Trimming down what you were actually going to say so it lands softer. And then the quiet afterward, where you wonder if you’re the difficult one for needing to talk about it at all. If you’re the one who goes quiet, you have a routine too. Your chest gets tight. Your words leave. You figure anything you say right now will come out wrong and make it worse, so you say nothing, and the nothing makes it worse anyway. Two people trying not to lose each other, in ways that read to the other person as the opposite. This pattern shows up in couples work constantly, and a lot of how we understand it is informed by Sue Johnson and Emotionally Focused Therapy. The partner who reaches is often called the pursuer. The one who pulls back is often called the withdrawer. Neither role is the villain here. It’s the loop between them that wears people down. What can help is naming it out loud when you’re not in the middle of it. Try, I think we do this thing where I push and you go quiet, and I’d like us to catch it earlier next time. And if you’re wondering which side you tend to land on, a lot of it traces back to what you learned early about what happens when things get tense. Follow for more relationship tools you can actually use. ##pursuerwithdrawer##emotionallyfocusedtherapy##couplestherapist##marriagehelp##embracingjoy

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Monday 27 July 2026 12:44:55 GMT