There’s a fascinating psychological experiment called Cyberball, and I think it explains something about heartbreak that a lot of people don’t understand. Here’s what researchers did. They put people in front of a computer and told them they were playing a simple online game of catch with two other people. Nothing complicated. One person throws the ball to you. You throw it to somebody else. They throw it back. Everybody’s included. Then, after a little while, something changes. The other two players stop throwing the ball to you. They keep playing. They keep throwing it back and forth to each other. They just stop including you. Now here’s what’s fascinating. It’s a stupid little computer game. There’s no relationship at stake. Nobody’s getting divorced. Nobody’s being abandoned by the love of their life. You’re just not getting a virtual ball thrown to you. Yet people experience genuine psychological distress from being excluded. Their sense of belonging takes a hit. Their self-esteem can take a hit. Their sense of control takes a hit. Even their feeling that they matter can take a hit. Think about that for a minute. If being excluded from a meaningless computer game can affect us that quickly, what do you think happens when the person you love suddenly stops throwing the ball? Yesterday, they texted you. Today, they don’t. Yesterday, you were part of their life. Today, you’re watching from the outside. They’re posting. They’re going places. They’re talking to other people. They’re living their life. They’re still throwing the ball. They’re just not throwing it to you anymore. Of course that hurts. That feeling doesn’t necessarily mean they’re the love of your life. It doesn’t necessarily mean you should contact them. It doesn’t necessarily mean you made some terrible mistake and need to convince them to come back. Sometimes what you’re experiencing is the very human pain of being excluded by somebody you were deeply attached to. Your brain wants to fix it. So you check their social media. You look to see whether they’re online. You reread the messages. You wonder who they’re talking to. You start thinking, “Maybe if I just send one text…” Because somewhere inside you, you’re hoping they’ll throw the ball back. And if they do? For a moment, you feel better. There’s the relief. “I still matter.” “They haven’t forgotten me.” “Maybe there’s still a chance.” Then they disappear again. And you’re right back where you started. That’s one of the cycles you have to break after a breakup. You have to stop measuring your worth by whether somebody who walked away is still willing to throw you the ball. Their attention is not your value. Their response is not your value. Their decision to include you or exclude you does not determine whether you matter. At some point, healing requires you to stop standing on the sidelines waiting for somebody else to pick you again. You’ve got a life to live. You’ve got people to love. You’ve got things to build. You’ve got a future that is much bigger than whether one particular person decides to throw you the ball. So stop waiting for the ball. Turn around. There’s an entire life behind you waiting to be lived. #healing #breakup #rejection #breakuprecovery - @michaeltothemax