@theonion: Saying the infant really ought to save her tears for the real shit that’s headed her way, sources familiar with crying newborn Sophia Whitfield confirmed Monday that she had no idea how much worse it was going to get. Observers told reporters the shrieking baby was clearly oblivious to the fact that any distress she experienced in exiting her mother’s womb would pale in comparison to the fucking decades of tedium, misfortune, and humiliation yet to come. According to witnesses, the clueless Whitfield should be crying tears of goddamn joy, because she was at the absolute pinnacle of her life, completely unaware of the bullying she would experience in school, the loveless marriage that would go 20 years too long, or the career ambitions that would be constantly thwarted, not to mention a genetic predisposition to Parkinson’s that could rob her of her mobility at any moment. At press time, sources reported that the newborn was at last comfortably napping in a bassinet, not realizing she would soon be crying in her sleep too.

B̳E̳N̳T̳ ̳K̳N̳E̳E̳ 🔻🔴🔻 :

insane reaction image potential

That one guy :

I love my kids so much they will never be born

berghley :

“when does ranked r6 become fun”

MintyFreshMike :

This not even satire😭

claws 🇹🇷✹☭ :

tell him about capitalism

emilbads29 :

Turn ts into a sticker

Connor-489🇨🇦 :

D. LSP :

How strange it is that we force future generations into this greed driven piecemeal apocalypse. Cause babies are cute I guess. Or mom and dad want a legacy or the experience of parenthood

aj :

Kinda sucks we’re still having kids these days

Catlord700 :

The Onion finally said something true

HALF-LIGHT :

"does dbd get good after unlocking all the characters"

Ms. Andrist 🍃✨ :

It’s ok. As a new adult, I’ll never skip the chance to remind them how much better it was 20 yrs before they were born

fellaman :

show him the fuel prices

Fei Sal :

the onion is having an existential phase 😅

catballs🐈🏀🏀 :

Long story short

birdydownunder :

One of the Onion’s best headlines. imho

Alu :

absoulutely fucking nothing going on today huh

Pipbrit8 :

Or maybe they do... it would explain a lot!

sarahhh_5056 :

Anthony’s creative journey :

wait till he hears that inflation and ai are happening at the same time

. :

Not even fake news

Hypno Kitty :

I thought you guys I thought you guys were supposed to do satire stop it

Michael/Leon :

I wouldn't wish this world upon anyone

Error :

frr

Casper :

as a father of a 3 week old boy, this hit home