@scott.austin.martin: Resentment usually has a history. It may be years of broken promises, loneliness, betrayal, disappointment, or attempts to repair that went nowhere. Understanding that history matters. But understanding where resentment came from is different from continuing to practice it through eye rolls, sarcasm, disgust, character attacks, and assuming the worst before your partner finishes a sentence. If you want to see whether your relationship can be repaired, you do not have to force yourself to feel warm or trusting. Start smaller. Move from contempt to neutrality. From “What is wrong with you?” to “What happened here?” From assuming motive to getting curious about behavior. From attacking character to naming impact. Then watch what your partner does with that opening. Do their actions match their words? Do they take accountability? Do they respect your boundaries? You are not pretending nothing happened. You are creating enough clarity to see what is actually possible from here. #relationships #menscoach #nervoussystem #relationshiptips #communicationtips

swavvy27 :

..and then what if they don’t take accountability?

MissCrystal :

Im really tired of the discourse that women need to change their behaviors in order for men to change theirs. Why is it so hard for men to see the impact of what they are doing and change without putting any additional labor on the woman? It feels so disproportionately on the woman to facilitate change

Indiana Jonsie :

My ex never took accountability for his actions. When I tried to talk about things, he’d say, I’m over it, you need to move on from it.

sherbearshilhoe1996 :

It's hard for me to get out of the resentment when change hasn't happened. All of the disgust is from the build up and I can't figure out how to move on from it unless I stop caring or leave him. How do you move on from something that never changes? Which means I have to be the one to do something. Anything.

Jaimebeth :

Men need to work in repair. Do they understand how to do that? How to show curiosity and compassion from past experiences?

Monica :

Is there an exercise or workbook to assist in walking thru this???

filipina50_50 :

What if you no longer feel contempt because you stayed there so long and now you feel nothing? I’ve moved into feeling indifferent. I think you’re telling me my relationship may have run its course.

BluBerryWafl :

1000% this. Finally got to neutrality, but as a caveat, I had to address my own emotional burnout first before addressing the contempt. I spent a few months focusing almost exclusively on my well-being and finding/making small joys each day. I couldn't have done the work to get to neutral without addressing burnout beforehand

Karin/not a KAREN :

I have tried doing this with my husband. I started talking to him about childhood memories and maybe things that could be triggers due to how he was treated as a child. Hoping this would help him reflect on his feelings and reactions to things today. He shuts down and becomes defensive. I has told me that nothing is wrong with him, if there’s an issue then it’s mine. I’ve come to realize over the years that I can’t take to heart hurtful things he says to me because he has traumas that he won’t face and that is usually where his behavior stems from.

Teal :

The answer is stop abandoning yourself

marco262 :

Great advice. How you *feel* about someone else is a very personal thing, and largely outside of your control. What you *do* with that feeling is what's in your control, and thus what you're responsible for. IMO, a person is allowed to not like someone else for any reason, from petty to significant.

Misty :

It’s always my fault. Somehow. And when I get upset or emotional he mocks me then ignores me. He doesn’t want a divorce and refuses to listen to me he’s completely satisfied throwing all the fault on me and going back to his phone.

Kelsey🇨🇦 :

Yeah but why does it even need to get to the point in the first place?

Kari :

HOW??

Veter.Dozhd :

Nope, nope and nope 🙂‍↔️

ONE MORE :

Did that and he said I was the crazy one after having been in therapy for a year and made huge changes. And THAT reinforced his nonsense of me always being the problem and he will do what he wants to do. He was a defensive boy, never had the right attention. Thank God for the divorce.

Jaydee :

088776699jc :

🙏

Lovebiit :

Good explanation!

💋BEAUTY.IS.HER.NAME💋 :

I’m 10000000 percent my marriage it’s over. There’s nothing he can do to regain a oz of trust. 18 years of disgusting repetitive behaviors AKA our entire existence. I’m ok

DJSunflowerGirl :

💜💜💜