You know what makes some breakups especially hard? The relationship may end for both of you on the exact same day, but emotionally, you may not be starting from the same place. Think about it. Somebody sits you down on Friday night and says, “I don’t think I can do this anymore.” For you, Friday night is the beginning of the breakup. For them? The breakup may have started weeks or even months ago. They’ve been thinking about it. Wrestling with it. Questioning their feelings. Imagining what life might look like without you. Maybe they’ve talked to friends about it. Maybe they’ve gone back and forth a hundred times in their own mind. Meanwhile, you’re making plans for next summer. Then suddenly they tell you it’s over. That’s why I hear people say all the time, “How did they move on so fast?” Maybe they didn’t. Maybe they had a head start. There’s actually research behind this. Studies on relationship breakups have found that the person who didn’t initiate the breakup often experiences greater distress afterward. That makes sense because one person may be reaching the end of a decision-making process while the other person has just been handed a completely new reality. If I’ve been thinking about leaving you for three months, I’ve had three months to imagine losing you. You haven’t. I’ve imagined waking up without you. You haven’t. I’ve questioned whether we have a future. You thought we already had one. We broke up on the same day, but we didn’t necessarily begin grieving on the same day. There’s another psychological concept called the self-expansion model. In simple terms, when you build a life with somebody, they become woven into your sense of who you are. Your routines, traditions, friendships, plans and even your picture of the future can include them. So when they leave, sometimes you’re not just asking, “How do I live without them?” You’re asking, “Who am I without them?” Then you look at your ex and they seem fine. They’re going out. They’re laughing. Maybe they’re dating again. Meanwhile, you’re struggling to get through Tuesday. Please don’t use their apparent progress as the measuring stick for your recovery. You may be comparing your mile two to their mile ten. They knew the race had started. You didn’t. That doesn’t mean they never loved you. It doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship meant more to you. It may simply mean they had time to emotionally prepare for a reality that you never expected was coming. So maybe stop asking yourself, “Why am I not over this yet?” Ask yourself, “When did I actually find out that I needed to let go?” Because they may have gotten a head start. That’s okay. Their head start doesn’t determine your finish. Your job isn’t to catch up with them. Your job isn’t to make them regret leaving. Your job is to build a life that no longer requires their presence in order for it to make sense. They may have gotten a head start on leaving. But you get to decide what happens after they leave. That’s where your story becomes yours again. #healing #breakuprecovery #breakup - @michaeltothemax