@llfocus: — I still can't get used to it. — Get used to what. — That there are actually people who value me. Real people, still around, still choosing to be around, not out of obligation, just because they want to be. — That should feel good. — It should. And some part of it does, in these small flashes I don't quite know what to do with. But mostly what I feel isn't warmth, it's suspicion. Like I'm waiting for the part where it makes sense why. — Why would there need to be a why. — Because in my experience there always has been one. People don't just value you plainly, without a catch, without something underneath it that eventually reveals itself. So when it happens without that, without any visible angle, I don't relax into it. I just start looking harder for the thing I haven't found yet. — Have you ever found one. — No. That's what makes this so disorienting. I keep looking and there's nothing there. No condition, no quiet expectation waiting to be collected on later, no eventual reveal where it turns out the care was contingent on something I hadn't noticed yet. — So what do you do with that. — Honestly, I don't fully trust it yet. I say thank you, I let it in a little, but there's a part of me standing off to the side the whole time, arms crossed, waiting for the moment it stops being free. — Do you think that moment's coming. — I used to be sure of it. Now I'm less sure, and that uncertainty is somehow harder to sit with than the certainty was. At least when I expected the worst, I knew how to brace. Now I just don't know what to do with people who apparently aren't going to give me anything to brace against. — Maybe that's the actual adjustment. Not waiting for the catch. — Maybe. I'm not there yet. Right now I just keep circling the same question, over and over, half hoping there's an answer and half hoping there isn't. What's the catch. What's the catch. And so far, nothing. Just people, still there, still meaning it. #щп #щитпост

werni🪽

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Tuesday 01 September 2026 20:38:00 GMT