@llfocus: — I've been trying to define it. What the whole point of me actually is. — Define what, exactly. — The meaning of my life. Not in some grand abstract way, just practically. What I actually spend most of my energy doing, day to day, if I'm honest about it instead of describing some aspirational version of myself. — And what did you land on. — Blame. Mostly blame. Endlessly finding a way to make things my fault, even the ones that clearly, structurally, have nothing to do with me. — Give me an example. — Anything. Weather ruins someone's plans, somehow I'll trace a thread back to myself. A friend's in a bad mood for reasons that have nothing to do with me, somewhere in my head there's already a version of the story where I contributed. It doesn't even have to make sense. It just has to be possible, and my mind will build a whole case out of the smallest possibility. — That sounds less like meaning and more like a habit. — Maybe there isn't much of a difference at this point. If it's the thing you do most consistently, most automatically, doesn't that basically become the meaning by default. Not because you chose it. Just because it's what fills the space when nothing else does. — Do you actually believe you're at fault in these situations. — Sometimes. Other times I know I'm not, clearly, logically, and I still do it anyway. Like the guilt doesn't actually need evidence to function. It just needs a gap, some space where responsibility hasn't been assigned yet, and it rushes in to fill it with my name before anyone else gets the chance. — Why would you want to be the one responsible for things that aren't yours. — I don't think I want it. I think it's just familiar. Being at fault, even for things I clearly had no part in, feels more comfortable somehow than sitting in the uncertainty of nobody being at fault at all. At least blame gives me something to hold onto. At least it's a shape. — And if you stopped doing that. — I don't know what would be left. That's honestly the scary part. If I stop filling every gap with my own guilt, I don't know what I'd actually find underneath it, or if there'd be anything there at all. #щп #щитпост

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Wednesday 02 September 2026 20:43:00 GMT