🌈🫐berii :3 :
ive always loved helping ppl ever since i was little. it didnt matter how hurt i was or how much someone could hurt me, i always wanted to be there in case anyone needed me. i always felt like shyt when i wasnt able to help, cuz that was all i ever wanted to do.. help ppl and make them happy, even if i didnt ask for help myself nor was very happy. i rlly wanna be someone others can rely on, but smts i feel like im the one relying on them bcuz of how shitty my mental health is... i feel pretty useless if i cant help anyone. nobody ever saw me as someone they could rely on until the most recent years. i mean, the only person that ever relied on me was literally my mom, and it was bcuz *I* didnt like to see her angry. barely anyone ever asked me for help. i remember how happy i felt in 4th that ppl were coming to me asking for help and wanting to learn how to draw bcuz i was now trying to take art more srsly, even tho i always loved drawing. i rlly hate how ppl underestimate me just bcuz im shy, quiet and need crystal clear instructions to actually do things right. ive always just wanted to be there for someone like nobody had ever been for me. i just always rlly loved being helpful. it gave me a purpose. it still does. i have friends that can rely on me, friends that can vent with me, bcuz we all feel rlly safe with eachother, but even then, i feel like im not helping them that much. they dont vent much to me, and i know we all have the bottling things up thing in common, but idk... smts i feel like they're constantly worried abt me, and i rlly dont want them to worry too much. i dont wanna make things too much abt myself, tho even when ppl vent i feel like i accidently do it, even tho most of the time they vent back too. we start bonding more and more over how relatable our pain is to eachother, and i rlly like that. it makes me feel less of a burden to them. im always so scared of having to make them take my pain from me, bcuz i wanna take their pain, not them to take mine away... idk. but it doesnt matter how much im hurt, i still wanna help others more than i wanna help myself.. srry for the rant :>
2026-09-06 12:25:51