@sanhakweaddict: I don't remember when I started watching Woonhak. That's a lie. I remember. I remember everything. It was Tuesday. Thursday. No, Tuesday. Woonhak walked into the room late apologizing to everyone. I looked up. Thats all. That's where it started. Least that's what I tell myself. Sometimes I think it started earlier. Maybe God knew before I did. Maybe that's why God kept putting Woonhak in my path. Maybe that thought is exactly the kind of thought I shouldn't be having. I prayed about it that night. I said Woonhaks name. Not because I wanted to. Because I had to. "God please help me stop thinking about Woonhak." I waited. Nothing. So I prayed again. "Please." Nothing. "Please." nothing. Then stupidly desperately I whispered: "Please don't make me forget Woonhak." I stopped. I hadn't meant to saythat. I don't think I meant to. I don't know anymore. Woonhak doesn't know. That's important. Woonhak can't know. Because if Woonhak knew everything would become real. If its real then I have to decide what it means. So I don't tell Woonhak. I just notice things. That's harmless. Everyone notices things. I know what time Woonhak usually arrives. I know which seat Woonhak prefers. I know which jokes make Woonhak laugh hardest. I know when Woonhak is tired because Woonhaks voice gets quieter. I know when Woonhak is pretending to be fine. I know when Woonhak looks at me. Woonhak looks at me. I'm sure Woonhak does. Sometimes I think Woonhak looks at me longer than Woonhak should. Sometimes I think Woonhak knows. Sometimes I think Woonhak is waiting for me to say something. Then I remember that Woonhak probably wasn't looking at me at all. It was someone behind me. It always is. That's what I tell myself. I stopped praying for the feeling to disappear. That was probably my real mistake. Instead I started praying for forgiveness. Every night. Forgive me for thinking about Woonhak. Forgive me for wanting to be near Woonhak. Forgive me for remembering Woonhaks smile. Forgive me. Forgive me. Forgive me. Eventually the words stopped meaning anything. They became noise. Like rain. Like breathing. Like Woonhaks name. Woonhak. Woonhak. Woonhak. I wrote it once in the margin of my Bible. I don't remember doing it. I tore the page out immediately. Then I cried because I'd damaged the Bible. Then I laughed. I don't know why. Nothing was funny. Something strange happened yesterday. Woonhak asked me if I was okay. Just that. "Are you okay?" I said yes. Woonhak smiled. For a second I thought everything was forgiven. Not by Woonhak. By God. Like maybe God had been watching this time and wasn't angry. Like maybe I had misunderstood. Like maybe love wasn't something I needed to be terrified of. Then the thought disappeared. I hated myself for having it. I went home. Prayed until my knees hurt. I don't know how long I was there. Five minutes. An hour. Three hours. Time doesn't behave normally anymore. I kept saying: "I'll stop." Then: "I can't." Then: "I'll stop." Then: "I can't." Eventually I heard myself whisper: "Then take Woonhak away." I froze. Because I didn't mean Woonhak. I meant the feeling. I meant the obsession. I meant.. I don't know. For one horrible second I imagined a world where Woonhak simply wasn't there. I couldn't breathe. "No." I said it aloud. "No, no no." I couldn't lose him. I couldn't. That's when I realized something terrifying. I wasn't only afraid that God would punish me for loving Woonhak. I was genuinely afraid God would actually answer my prayer. Now I think about signs. Everything is a sign. If Woonhak sits beside me it's a sign. If Woonhak doesn't it's a sign. If Woonhak says my name it's a sign. If Woonhak doesn't it's a sign. If I dream about Woonhak maybe God is testing me. If I don't dream about Woonhak maybe God is taking Woonhak away. Sometimes I think I can hear Woonhaks voice when Woonhak is nearby. That's probably normal. It's probably not. I don't know. I stopped telling people. They look at me strangely. They don't understand. Nobody understands. ps. I wanna write more but there's no space left😢😢 #woonmyungz #religousguilt #bnd #moodboard #fyp

lillykitti🐈‍⬛

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Wednesday 09 September 2026 14:14:31 GMT