The Pottymouth Guru
Region: CA
Thursday 10 September 2026 02:49:58 GMT
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The Pottymouth Guru :
A good gut-check: Am I disagreeing with what they actually said, or with what my shame decided it meant about me? ❤️🤟🏻🌿
2026-09-10 02:51:37
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Molly’s Favorite Finds :
I live with someone in constant defensive shame mode who never actually hears what I say. They are also a black and white thinker and refuse any kind of resolution to any conversation. It’s really hard to live with someone like that.
2026-09-10 11:01:06
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Aliecake :
eventually, if they remain in a defensive shame zone and never listen, accept, work together - YES THEY ARE A BAD PARTNER
2026-09-10 10:41:45
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kiirkas :
I've started using this phrase: "What did you hear me say just then?" The responses are sometimes WILD and so unaligned with my actual words that it becomes immediately clear there's been a breakdown somewhere. Getting back on track takes work but I've found it gets easier with practice and repetition.
2026-09-11 00:33:43
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Aranza 🏳️🌈 :
i learnt a long time ago the phrase "when someone tells you you've hurt them you don't get to decide you didn't" and it changed my response to everything. my go to is "listen to what they are saying, what action did i or didn't do that they are pointing out, can i change it? do i want to change it?"
2026-09-10 15:43:10
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Becken 🍉 :
My husband definitely did this when I offered carefully stated I-messages. And then he would just say the *literal words* “You are a bad partner,” and then claim he didn’t — or didn’t mean it “that way” — later. Total mindfuck!
2026-09-10 03:48:40
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Deborahs_Galaxy :
I think it gets tricky because we use "feeling" language for emotions, affective states, AND beliefs. "I feel unwanted" isn't an emotion. it's really a belief, sitting on top of the emotions. And so a lot of people have learned to use "I feel" language to say "I feel unloved" or "I feel like you weren't even interested in what I was saying" instead of saying "I feel sad and lonely". So sometimes people push back against validating someone's "feelings"... but the feelings in question are really beliefs and accusations wrapped in feeling language. I think connecting with and validating the emotion someone is experiencing is a highly valuable skill. If someone says they're feeling sad, telling them why they shouldn't be sad will only create more distance. AND I think using the words "I feel" doesn't automatically mean what comes next should be validated.
2026-09-11 13:56:35
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Jess :
I think sometimes I've gotten really caught up with when they've used "you always/you never" statements
2026-09-10 12:22:38
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Brooke :
It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. Eventually, yeah, actually, you are a bad partner because you keep choosing to hurt me and not offering validation or repair. I didn’t think that in the beginning, but now I do.
2026-09-10 09:59:22
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Hippiesabotage :
Ask why? Instead of feeling attacked. What is the reason why? What can WE do to make you feel better. And what can I do for you.
2026-09-10 07:11:59
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JaneBaneDoe 🇸🇪 :
I'm starting to wonder if I should (calmly) ask the question "do you want to try that again?" the next time I'm being met with instant defensiveness like that... 🤔 Is that a bad idea⁉️To make them stop for a second and actually think? Bc it often feels like they heard something entirely different from what I actually said... 🙏
2026-09-10 07:33:10
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nope🦭 :
so what are you supposed to do when tbey get defensive and blame/argue at you as if you are the one calling them a bad person or bad partner??? when all you asked was can you consider me next time a situation like _____ happens in the future. for example can you give me a text or call if you're running late cause I had to rearrange my plans due to you being late this time.
2026-09-10 11:58:03
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PutTheCandleBack :
The defensive one requires validation but refuses to give it.
2026-09-10 13:05:44
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Hillary Keane Aiken :
What if they are literally saying “you don’t care”? Is that just their shame? So I shouldn’t feel the need to defend the fact that I care?
2026-09-10 11:14:35
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Kamal Elliott :
How does this align when the identity attack ISNT just all in my head? Like I’m hearing in my head an accusation that was actually said out loud 3 months ago, or I’m reacting to a statement that says “I feel… “ insert an interpretation of me and not an actual feeling. I never once responded poorly to my ex saying “I feel lonely/angry/scared etc” but I could never handle being told “I feel like you don’t care about me” because it was assigning me thoughts and intentions that weren’t true. And no matter how much I begged her to just say what she felt, I was always considered defensive
2026-09-10 13:33:17
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Thin Air :
This explains how my partner and I so often end up arguing despite being on the same page with the same views but we think we're on totally different pages. I think my shame causes me to take a detour without realizing it and suddenly it sounds like I'm disagreeing or his words took make sense as I've taken offence to them. It's a subtle feeling I've had to learn to register to prevent an hour discussion/argument where we were actually fighting for the same exact point. And usually it's just things I get defensive about, the topic doesn't even have to be about me, just the idea my viewpoint is sour is enough to get me going 😅
2026-09-10 16:25:40
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mrpoorsport :
I feel like the majority of the time, I am not disagreeing with the feeling or the interpretation... but the literal objective sequence of events. If she says, when you did x, i felt y... but I genuinely do not believe that x ever happened... i feel compelled to argue about x. which always creates a negative cycle. Sometimes I try really hard to be curious and ask questions about x... but then I'm "grilling her, and questioning her experience and trying to prove her wrong" but like, do we ever stop to consider that maybe you are wrong? maybe your perception of x is not true and you're feeling a certain way about a misintrepation of an event? I don't know... and I've been trying to validate how if x had happened, I can see why that would make you feel y. but I struggle to communicate that in a genuine way. because I think my frustration seeps through that i have to work through feelings tied to an event that I know didn't happen
2026-09-12 00:05:56
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Wendy Lee :
If I tell my partner, they hurt my feelings. The defensiveness … is exhausting. And I’m always stunned because I think it was just my feelings being hurt you’re not a bad person. Then I end up feeling like I’m left with the hurt feelings, but telling them that they’re still a good person. Which I think they are. But they end up being coddled.
2026-09-15 21:57:28
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Peter🥁🇬🇭 :
How do you fix this?
2026-09-10 06:57:48
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dynomyke :
I feel this in my ugggghhhh 🤢
2026-09-10 02:59:14
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BoobyGrow :
Nuance matters 💯
2026-09-11 15:54:24
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janedoe123 :
This made me cry a lot
2026-09-12 12:23:59
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SRJ :
Also, it’s very hard not to get defensive when you are being called a bad person or having your character criticized. You’re selfish, you’re a narcissist, you don’t care, you don’t take care of me, comparing me to an ex and how much better they were, you’re cold, you’re a robot ect….
2026-09-23 14:50:32
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SRJ :
Here is an example of something I’m trying to understand how not to be upset or defensive when it is brought up: Someone who is constantly getting hurt by past trauma and then blaming their partner for being hurt by innocuous things should also be held accountable for healing themselves. Being in constant contact via text when you are out enjoying an activity or a visit with family or friends is not a fair requirement. It takes the person out of their life to reassure the other person that they care. So someone saying, I feel hurt that you didn’t text me, while I understand they are hurt, that doesn’t mean they are right in making the other person feel bad for not fulfilling their expectations. How are you supposed to validate this and “fix” this for them? I understand where the hurt comes from, but projecting this hurt on a current partner is not fair.
2026-09-23 14:43:09
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krd316 :
😁😁😁
2026-09-17 08:57:11
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