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Friday 11 September 2026 16:13:36 GMT
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When one child hurts another, an apology matters. But a forced “sorry” just teaches a child how to go through the motions (and appease an adult). It doesn't actually teach them how to take responsibility or right the wrong. The goal isn't simply to get the right words out of a child's mouth. It's to help them understand what happened, recognize that another person was affected, and eventually learn how to repair the harm. Instead of telling the child to
When one child hurts another, an apology matters. But a forced “sorry” just teaches a child how to go through the motions (and appease an adult). It doesn't actually teach them how to take responsibility or right the wrong. The goal isn't simply to get the right words out of a child's mouth. It's to help them understand what happened, recognize that another person was affected, and eventually learn how to repair the harm. Instead of telling the child to "say sorry," do this instead: 🛑 Stop the hitting Put yourself physically in front of the child if necessary. Be calm and clear: “I won't let you hit your brother. Hitting hurts.” ❤️ Attend to the child who was hurt Comfort them and make sure they're okay. This communicates to both children that other people's bodies and feelings matter. 🧠 Help the child who hit understand what happened Once the child is calm, name the situation without shaming: “You were really angry when she took the blocks. You wanted them back, and you hit her. That hurt her.” 💬 Give them the language they need Children need help learning what to do instead of hitting. Help them express what they were trying to communicate: “You can say, ‘I was using that,’ or ‘I don't like that,’ or come get me.” 🔧 Focus on repair Ask, “What could we do to help?” Maybe it's getting an ice pack, rebuilding what was knocked down, checking on their sibling, or trying the interaction again. 🌱 Don't force the apology You can model one: “When we hurt someone, we can say we're sorry and help make it right.” As children develop empathy and perspective-taking, genuine apologies become more meaningful. Not forcing a "say sorry" doesn't mean letting hitting slide. And at the end of the day, "sorry" is part of the lesson. But it hits much harder (pun not intended!) when the child understands the empathy and emotion behind the words. Children need repeated opportunities to learn that their actions affect others, that they're responsible, and that harm can be repaired. When those lessons are taught first, "sorry" becomes an expression of empathetic remorse, not just obedience so they don't get in more trouble.

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