@bertiethefrenchie: Never trust a fart. Especially when the fart belongs to Bertie. At approximately half one this morning, I learnt this lesson in a way I don’t think I’ll ever recover from. Picture the scene. Bertie’s positioned with his bum somewhere near my neck, head by my stomach, peaceful. Then he farts. And boom! Full detonation. Bertie jumps, I jump. I know instantly. Light on, crime scene revealed. Bertie, covered. Me, covered. Bed, let’s not even talk about it. It looked like someone had gone full Jackson Pollock with a spray gun. Biggest question of the night, who do I clean first? Do I clean me, do I clean him, do I burn the bed? Thankfully, I run what is essentially a 24-hour emergency supplies cupboard anyway. So operation contain the poo commenced. Bertie was placed on the last clean square of mattress pad while I stripped everything else and turned the bath into a biohazard storage unit. Complication, stitches. So no proper bath. Just me, at stupid o’clock, washing a disabled Frenchie’s legs while trying not to drown his stitches. Everyone clean eventually. Fresh pad on. Bertie snoring like nothing happened while I lay there with one eye open, monitoring his backside like a hawk until morning. Honestly, the things we do for these little creatures. He wakes for water every 45 minutes, and I thought that was bad. But apparently he just wanted to remind me it can get worse. P.S. New house rule, no farting within three feet of my face. #nevertrustafart #bertiethefrenchie #dogmum #frenchbulldog

Bertie The Frenchie

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Sunday 20 September 2026 07:56:46 GMT