No, I’m afraid I do not possess one of those modern cellular telephones, my good sir. I find them to be rather unnecessary, if I’m being quite honest. In my day, we simply walked to one another’s houses, knocked vigorously upon the door, and waited patiently for a response. None of this “texting” or “calling” nonsense. If I need to speak to someone, I shall simply send a handwritten letter via the local postman, as God intended. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a cup of tea going cold and a newspaper to complain about.