me seeing myself stalking that one girl na pinagseselosan ko, not because i simply hate her or because gusto ko lang maging jealous, but because of the things my own boyfriend did that made me feel this way. sounds so jejemon siguro, lalo na may video pa with a sad song, pero honestly, you don’t know what i’m feeling right now. sobrang sakit. sobrang hirap. and i don’t even know how to explain it properly anymore. kasi hindi naman talaga tungkol sa girl lang. it’s about the fear that comes with her. the fear na baka one day, yung taong akala kong pinaka-stay sa buhay ko, siya rin pala yung aalis. lately, parang pakiramdam ko ayaw na sa’kin ng lahat. parang kahit anong gawin ko, may taong napapagod sa’kin, may taong lumalayo, or may taong eventually nawawala. and when you already feel like everyone is slowly leaving, you tend to hold on tighter to the one person who is still there. pero ngayon, even that person feels like he might leave too. and what hurts the most is the thought na baka mawala siya dahil sa isang babae na kakakilala niya pa lang. someone who barely knows him the way i do, someone who wasn't there through everything we've been through, someone who doesn't know all the versions of him that i've seen and loved. maybe that's why i keep stalking her. maybe i'm not really looking for something. maybe i'm just trying to understand. trying to figure out what makes me feel so threatened by someone i don't even know. trying to convince myself that i'm still okay, even when deep down, i'm really not. i know jealousy isn't something i'm proud of. i know i shouldn't compare myself to another girl. i know i shouldn't keep checking her account and looking at every little thing. but sometimes, emotions don't work the way logic does. you can tell yourself a hundred times that there's nothing to worry about, but one small thing can still make your heart feel heavy all over again. and maybe the hardest part is knowing that some of these fears didn't come from nowhere. they came from things that happened, things that were said, things that made me question my place in his life. kaya ngayon, kahit maliit na bagay, ang dali kong matakot. i don't want to be controlling. i don't want to tell him who he can talk to or who he can be friends with. i don't want to become the girlfriend who makes everything an issue. i just want to feel secure. i want to feel like i don't have to compete with anyone for the person who's supposed to make me feel safe. because honestly, i'm already tired. tired of overthinking. tired of comparing myself. tired of checking things i know will only hurt me. tired of pretending that i'm okay when i'm actually scared that i'm slowly losing someone who's important to me. maybe that's why this hurts so much. because when you already feel like everyone is against you, the one person you believe will stay becomes your safe place. and when that person starts giving you reasons to think he might leave too, it feels like you're losing the last place where you thought you belonged. i don't want to lose him. but i also don't want to keep feeling like i'm begging someone to stay. i just wish he understood that behind all my jealousy is a girl who's scared. a girl who's already tired of feeling unwanted, replaceable, and easy to leave. a girl who doesn't want to fight another girl. she just wants reassurance from the person she loves. maybe to everyone else, it's just another girl. but to me, she's the reminder of every insecurity i've been trying so hard to hide. and now, i'm just tired of acting like it doesn't hurt. - @itz_ikka