nahom :
I do not deserve even an ounce of his love or mercy yet he gives it to me regardless. I constantly betray him worse than Judas ever did yet he never pushes me away but instead i do so. my heart has grown so hardened that I cannot even shed a single tear for my great sins. yet i find comfort knowing that the Lord is there for me, the wretched sinner of all. I write this knowing that I will betray Christ again, knowing that I do not truly love him as I wish I did. I’m fully aware that my time on this earth is transient, fleeting. i could pass tomorrow, or the day after. yet I don’t relent in my sin. its like I’m a slave to my flesh. it rules over me. it beats me bare yet I do not forsake it. I indulge in its pleasures willingly yet unwillingly. i cannot recognize myself anymore. oh how i miss the pure, fervent version of me i once was. now I am nothing but a slave to my passions, chained. stuck in the hole I’ve dug for myself. maybe this is all i actually was, and ever will be. maybe I’m destined to be a slave to sin, destined to rot away from the inside out. i apologize for this rant. I doubt any one will read this far, but it’s probably for the best. I often write like this after I fall. A coping mechanism. A way to numb the pain, to mask my worthlessness by writing eloquently to come off as some sort of vain, tragic soldier. I am no solider, only a worthless sinner, devoid of all good.
2026-10-22 03:15:38