This is the absolute LAST post I expected to make on the Monday of my bodybuilding show week. After months of weighing every gram of food, tracking every calorie, hitting every workout and cardio session, and preparing mentally, physically, and spiritually to step on stage this Saturday, I spent this past weekend binge eating in a way I’ve never experienced before. And when I say binge eating, I don’t mean enjoying a cheat meal or eating a little more than planned. I mean I completely lost control. I kept eating long after my stomach was telling me to stop. I was physically uncomfortable, wasn’t enjoying the food anymore, and yet I continued. And the scariest part wasn’t how much I ate. It was what was going through my head. At a certain point, it felt like I was intentionally sabotaging myself. Like part of me wanted to ruin everything I’d worked so hard for. I’ve spent the last couple of days asking myself WHY. Was I afraid I wouldn’t look good enough on stage? Afraid of disappointing myself? Had I put so much pressure on myself that part of me wanted a way out? I don’t have those answers yet. But I’m asking myself the questions. After the first binge, I told my coach Chris Elkins everything. Every single thing I ate. We agreed to move forward, reassess, and take things day by day. The next day, I got back to my routine. Tracked my food, followed my plan, and genuinely thought I’d moved past it. Then nighttime came. What started as one extra bite turned into another binge. Even worse than the first. I can’t explain how disappointed I felt. Not because I ate something outside my plan, but because I felt unable to stop doing something that was hurting me. I woke up physically miserable. My face was extremely swollen, my body felt awful, and I stared in the mirror trying to understand how I’d gotten here. Now I’m five days away from the competition I’ve spent months preparing for, roughly 10 pounds heavier than I was going into the weekend, and unsure whether I’ll step on stage Saturday. Chris believes competing is still an option. Part of me wants to finish what I started. Another part wonders if postponing until November is the better decision. I know how hard I worked. I also know what happened this weekend has consequences. I’m not blaming anybody else, pretending it didn’t happen, or asking anyone to feel sorry for me. But I’m also not going to spend the rest of my life beating myself up over two days. I have to own what happened. And I have to figure out how to move forward. This weekend forced me to recognize how much pressure I’ve been putting on myself, not just in bodybuilding but in life. Constantly working. Thinking about what’s next. On my phone. Feeling like I need to do MORE. Somewhere along the way, I stopped giving myself enough room to just live. So whether I compete Saturday or in November, things are changing. I’m prioritizing sleep, taking real breaks from social media, giving myself time to recover, and taking a serious look at my relationship with food and the pressure I put on myself. I’m not pretending I’ve figured everything out in 48 hours. I haven’t. And I don’t want to turn this into some inspirational story about falling down and immediately getting back up stronger. I’m still figuring it out. I’m sharing this because I know someone out there has felt something similar. Maybe not with bodybuilding. Maybe not with food. But getting close to something you’ve worked so hard for, only to find yourself doing things that could take it away. I know how that feels right now. And you’re not the only one. As for Saturday, I’m still discussing it with Chris and considering my health and readiness. I’d genuinely love to hear from anyone who’s been through something similar. I don’t know exactly what happens next. But I won’t let one weekend define me or erase everything I’ve worked for. Thank you for being part of this journey. The good, the bad, and everything in between. ❤️ - @yse