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@l.s.carpenter: #onthisday

Lily. S 🐍
Lily. S 🐍
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Monday 19 October 2026 23:50:26 GMT
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there was once a time
there was once a time
I used to compare my kids. What she shares:
I used to compare my kids. What she shares: "I used to say, 'Why can't you be neat like your brother?' I thought it would motivate her. It didn't. It taught her he's the favorite — and made him her rival, not her brother. Now I measure her against herself: 'Look how far YOU'VE come.'" The psychology behind it: comparison feels like motivation, but a child never hears "try harder" — she hears "you are less." Decades of sibling research (notably Judy Dunn's work) show that when kids feel measured against a sibling, two things grow: lower self-worth in the child who comes up short, and rivalry between the siblings. The brother stops being an ally and becomes the scoreboard. Labels harden too — "the neat one," "the messy one" — and children live down to them. Measuring a child against her own past progress does the opposite: it builds real motivation, because the goal feels reachable, and it keeps the sibling bond a refuge instead of a contest. Try this: Give each child feedback about their work only — no sibling's name in it. Praise progress against their own past: "Your letters are neater than last month." Notice different strengths out loud, separately — so each child owns theirs. Scope note: most relevant for ages about 4–10. Based on established sibling-relationship research on comparison and differential treatment. Wording here is illustrative. What comparison did you hear growing up — and do you catch yourself repeating it? #TheFamilyReset #smallmomentsstrongfamilies #Siblings #SiblingRivalry #GentleParenting

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