Drew Daniels
Region: US
Tuesday 20 October 2026 20:04:28 GMT
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Becca :
When I approached my avoidant, I always took accountability for my part first. To the point where even if I genuinely didn’t do anything wrong, I’d find something.. anything to blame on myself to she didn’t feel attacked. That was a mistake. It was like I was handing her an out every time. And I was the one who would always bare all the blame, apologise and feel even worse than before. I’d choose my words carefully saying “I’m feeling” rather than “you made me feel”. Nothing I did helped. Don’t stay in a relationship with an avoidant. It destroyed me.
2026-10-21 15:45:30
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Shannon Brown :
Is it though?.. or were you not listening when you're partner took accountability? Is it possible that after years of feeling resentful your partner stopped taking accountability because it was so one sided?
2026-10-21 14:19:05
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Cosmic Auntie :
he was pretty big on punishing me, so makes sense he punishes himself. he should go talk to someone else about that. like I asked him to do for years. even get a damn friend, doesnt even have to be a therapist. talk to SOMEONE
2026-10-20 22:47:00
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Teacher Danielle :
I would take accountability first and he still couldn't for the longest time. It was so difficult. We are finally getting to the place where he can take accountability first and it has been so nice.
2026-10-21 14:38:54
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Maddie :
my partner is so insistent on sharing blame! he apologized so now I must also apologize, regardless of what the situation is. even though I take the time to coddle him and explain over and over that just because he made a mistake it doesn't make him a bad person
2026-10-21 04:23:01
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AbjaDaMeep :
wait is this why they've always been saying "we" and "we're" whenever we bring up anything uncomfortable?
2026-10-21 13:32:38
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Carly Manson :
do you still do private consults? i have messaged and not heard back
2026-10-20 21:36:09
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Drew Daniels :
Does your relationship have margin for sharing shame mutually?
2026-10-20 20:12:55
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Heya :
why are they desperate to be even? my ex said we can’t be together since i will always be at a higher level than him
2026-10-22 11:54:18
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Kari :
I message you back
2026-10-20 21:58:00
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frankieibanez5 :
Yes. She would start out accountable and then switch to “ it can’t only be my fault” and everything became about that
2026-10-21 07:13:24
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Em :
But ehat ifvthe other person, me, doesn’t feel shame or the same? I can listen, hold you and be there with you. But si can not internalize experiences that I do not have. I feel lile with an avoidant I can’t even support them because they are so scared of the judgement that is not coming from me - but from themselves. So if they cant help thenselves or let tjemselves be helped - then what?
2026-10-23 17:12:07
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kRustykrab :
So how do I share shame with them? She's so special and important to me. I want to help. Every effort to attempt this has pushed her away. I know I can't fix anything with understanding alone. I don't want her to feel alone and I don't want to hold accountability alone either. Thank you for everything you've shared.
2026-10-20 23:14:33
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Risto :
So does this mean that if they really did do you dirty disproportionately that they’re most likely never going to try to repair because the guilt of having to face that they hurt you more is too much ?
2026-10-22 20:39:26
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Just_Lindsey :
But when there is uneven emotional labor, sometimes you just want to be mad and have your feelings as the Avoidants partner, so how can this happen for the avoidant while also holding space that sometimes they don’t get space held for them?
2026-10-21 02:38:38
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Rachelinthelionsden :
Heavy on the black and white thinking!
2026-10-21 03:17:50
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🆖🅰️ :
There would’ve been room. There was just a repeated testing of boundaries and when it became unexplainable from my end and when I ran out of benefit of the doubt that’s when no one could remember anyone they had ever done
2026-10-20 22:33:44
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Fox :
My husband left 13 months after we got married cuz “your just going to leave someday anyways”.. this hits home
2026-10-21 11:55:10
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RET TET INCIENSOS :
everyone takes accountability for his own actions. do not contort yourself to accommodate these emotionally immature individuals.
2026-10-23 21:06:13
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needmoreofthis :
Yes you should get help and deserve help. But the “friend” you’re talking about is your S self, your adult self, who can talk to and reparent your little kid. Your little kid is not alone because you have your inner parent S self. This is an inside job. Don’t turn to your partner for this. The “I understand, me too” statement comes from inside from your parent self. This is your own work. And a therapist can also help you.
2026-10-21 16:08:12
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jimschlotz43 :
👍
2026-10-24 06:42:20
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StarkyKiepven :
It's all feelings combined with coping where the silence starts. Of course it takes two to tango and each has a role in the dynamic. Blaming the other is inevitable when one doesn't Ike how the other behaves. Especially when it repeats as a pattern. So we can have empathy and not build resentment or paint them the villain. But that doesn't mean it's okay.. they know exactly what they're doing. The decision to turn cold and silent for example without communicating why. That's not love and considering our feelings. Realize they're hardly able to manage their own feelings so don't expect empathy. And that's our answer.. they won't change this behaviour. It will never be loving or certainly not as intimate as we require. The choice is to stay and be an emotional punching bag carrying the entire relationship.. or Choose yourself like they always do🥺
2026-10-22 09:18:59
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