taniaa♡ :
Sometimes I feel like maybe love just isn’t meant for me — whether it’s the love of a friend, a parent, a sibling, or anyone else. Somehow, whenever I start loving someone, I end up having to let them go, no matter how much I want to hold on.
When I realized this, I started learning how to control myself. I can feel oceans for someone, care about them with my whole heart, and still choose to stay quiet and reserved. I don’t know if I’m blessed or cursed to feel so much, but whenever I get attached to someone, somehow Allah makes that person a way of testing me.
Sometimes I wonder if Allah is teaching me that His love is everlasting, while everything else in this world is temporary. Maybe He is teaching me not to become too attached to anyone because people and relationships are not forever. So I stay with people, love them, and care for them, but somewhere in the back of my mind, I keep reminding myself that one day, everything might end. Slowly, I have taught myself to keep my distance, control my feelings, and let go even when my heart wants to hold on. It’s not easy, but sometimes I feel like I have no other choice.
Maybe all of this is Allah’s way of bringing me closer to Him, but somewhere along the way, the fear of losing people has taken away the simple happiness of living. Even when I’m happy, a part of me fears that the happiness won’t last. Maybe I’m not heartless; maybe I’ve just become afraid of loving too deeply. I still have so much love inside me, but I’ve learned to hide it, control it, and keep it within boundaries. Maybe I didn’t stop feeling; I just became numb because feeling too much became too painful.
Every day is difficult for me in ways I cannot explain. I don’t think I’m really living anymore; I’m just getting through life, one day at a time. I have never really depended on anyone, never told anyone what my heart truly feels, and I don’t even know how to explain my pain to someone. I keep everything to myself. I have become so used to handling everything alone that even when I need someone, I don’t know how to ask them to stay.
I keep trying to look strong, hoping no one will ever see the girl hiding behind that strength —
2026-10-23 21:05:13