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@snydertherapy: Anxiously attached & you KNOW why you spiral? Insight is a great starting point!! But your nervous system may still need more than understanding to feel safe. EMDR can help process the earlier memories behind the fear. Link in bio to book a free consult for EMDR in Colorado 🫶🏼 #emdrtherapy #emdrtherapist #anxiousattachment #traumahealing #denvertherapist

Amanda - EMDR Trauma Therapist
Amanda - EMDR Trauma Therapist
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Monday 26 October 2026 14:59:56 GMT
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There's a monster inside me, and honestly, she's not pretty. She's angry, defensive, unpredictable, and sometimes downright difficult to control. She thrashes when someone gets too close, bares her teeth when she senses vulnerability, and turns affection into something she doesn't know whether to trust or run from. But what people don't always understand is that she's not necessarily angry at them. She's terrified of what happens when I let someone matter that much. I've experienced losing people who meant the world to me. I've watched people I love reach the end of their lives, held memories I wasn't ready to carry, and learned firsthand that loving someone doesn't mean you get to keep them. So somewhere along the way, I started building walls. I learned to keep my distance, rely on myself, hide behind sarcasm, and sometimes push people away before they ever have the opportunity to leave. Sometimes I become difficult when someone gets close. Sometimes I act like I couldn't care less when, underneath all that armor, I care more than I know how to explain. And that's the ugly contradiction: I want connection, but I'm afraid of what connection costs. I try to keep my monster under control. I try not to let her hurt the people who genuinely care about me. But there are moments when the fear gets louder than the part of me that wants to be loved. She's the part of me that remembers every goodbye. She's the part that thinks distance is safer than attachment, silence is safer than vulnerability, and being alone is better than having something beautiful taken away. But maybe my monster doesn't need to be destroyed. Maybe she needs to understand that not everyone who gets close is going to disappear, and not every person who loves me is going to become another painful memory. I'm not heartless. I'm not incapable of loving. I'm someone who has learned to associate loving deeply with losing deeply. And perhaps the hardest battle I'll ever fight isn't keeping people out. It's learning how to let the right people in without treating them like they're already responsible for the pain someone else caused. My monster has spent years protecting my heart from the world. I just hope one day I can teach her that she doesn't have to keep fighting everyone who tries to hold it. 🖤
There's a monster inside me, and honestly, she's not pretty. She's angry, defensive, unpredictable, and sometimes downright difficult to control. She thrashes when someone gets too close, bares her teeth when she senses vulnerability, and turns affection into something she doesn't know whether to trust or run from. But what people don't always understand is that she's not necessarily angry at them. She's terrified of what happens when I let someone matter that much. I've experienced losing people who meant the world to me. I've watched people I love reach the end of their lives, held memories I wasn't ready to carry, and learned firsthand that loving someone doesn't mean you get to keep them. So somewhere along the way, I started building walls. I learned to keep my distance, rely on myself, hide behind sarcasm, and sometimes push people away before they ever have the opportunity to leave. Sometimes I become difficult when someone gets close. Sometimes I act like I couldn't care less when, underneath all that armor, I care more than I know how to explain. And that's the ugly contradiction: I want connection, but I'm afraid of what connection costs. I try to keep my monster under control. I try not to let her hurt the people who genuinely care about me. But there are moments when the fear gets louder than the part of me that wants to be loved. She's the part of me that remembers every goodbye. She's the part that thinks distance is safer than attachment, silence is safer than vulnerability, and being alone is better than having something beautiful taken away. But maybe my monster doesn't need to be destroyed. Maybe she needs to understand that not everyone who gets close is going to disappear, and not every person who loves me is going to become another painful memory. I'm not heartless. I'm not incapable of loving. I'm someone who has learned to associate loving deeply with losing deeply. And perhaps the hardest battle I'll ever fight isn't keeping people out. It's learning how to let the right people in without treating them like they're already responsible for the pain someone else caused. My monster has spent years protecting my heart from the world. I just hope one day I can teach her that she doesn't have to keep fighting everyone who tries to hold it. 🖤
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