— Can I just stay under the blanket today? Just pull it all the way up, close my eyes, and not deal with any of it? — You know you can't. The day doesn't stop just because you want it to. — I know. But hypothetically. What if I just didn't get up? What if I stayed right here in the dark until everything outside stopped making demands? — That's just hiding. You've tried that before. The problems are still there when you finally throw the covers off. — I'm not even trying to solve them right now. I just want a pause. A real one. Where nobody expects anything, where my brain isn't calculating the next thing I'm inevitably going to mess up. — It's just a regular Tuesday. Nothing even happened. — That's the worst part. If something terrible happened, at least there would be a reason to feel like this. There would be a shape to it. But it's just this constant, heavy erosion of waking up, realizing where I am, and instantly wanting to go back to sleep just to escape the baseline of being myself. — That sounds like depression talking, not a rational choice. — When did depression and a rational choice become mutually exclusive? Look around. Look at how much energy it takes just to keep up the pretense of functioning normally. — Everyone feels like that sometimes. It's normal to get overwhelmed. — I am so tired of hearing that it's normal. If it's normal, why does every single day feel like dragging lead through water? Why does resting feel less like recovery and more like hiding out from a war nobody else seems to notice is happening? — Because you're making it a war. You're overthinking everything. If you just got up, made some coffee, and started moving, the feeling would lift. — No, it wouldn't. It would just hide underneath whatever tasks I forced myself to do. It would wait. It always waits. — So what's the alternative? Just giving up? Staying in bed forever? — Not forever. Just... permanently enough that I don't have to face tomorrow. — That's a dark place to go over a bad morning. — It's not just this morning. It's the accumulation of every morning where I had to pretend I was okay when I wasn't even close. — You're scaring me a little bit when you talk like that. — Don't worry. I'm not going to do anything. I'm too tired to even do that properly. I'll probably get up in ten minutes. I'll wash my face, I'll put on clothes, I'll go out and pretend I'm participating in life. — But you won't really be there. — I haven't really been there in a long time. I'm just running on whatever ghost energy is left from when I still cared how any of this turns out. — That's a miserable way to live. — It's not living, it's just maintaining. There's a big difference. — So what do you want? What would actually fix this? — I don't know. Maybe nothing. Maybe some things are just broken past the point where a good night's sleep or a positive mindset can reach them. — You can't believe that. — Watch me. Just let me pull the blanket over my head. Just for a second. — And if you don't wake up after? If you just close your eyes and let the dark actually take over for good? — Honestly? At this point, that doesn't sound like a tragedy. It sounds like the first quiet thing I've been offered in years. — You don't mean that. — Don't I? Look at how peaceful it sounds. Just turning off the noise. Just stopping the loop. — That's not peace, that's just escaping. — Same difference, when you're this tired. Just let me stay here. Please. Just let me close my eyes and not wake up to any of it ever again. #щп #щитпост #щпдослез - @llfocus