I barely remember much so i rely on pictures, memories and videos a lot. Life has always been a struggle but i’ll never be able to explain the decline and the change since 2023. I’ll never be able to explain fully what it’s like to watch you lose you. i’ve lost myself multiple times in my life but this has to be the worst one yet. To watch the last bit of life and spark in me to be ripped away. This really isn’t a “woe is me”. We all have our trauma, our pain, it’s not just me - it just hurts. I didn’t realise and now, sober it’s so much clearer and easier to see just how much has changed. I see how running to substances have made things so much worse. I can’t go back and change it, but at least now I know it wasn’t even worth it. Trying to run and run and escape from the pain only made me feel it a million times worse. I didn’t really have an idea of who i’d become, but I didn’t want it to be this. I don’t wanna go on about my sadness and my pain all day. I wish I had something more uplifting or positive to say, but the reality is… people talk about strength. People talk about how trauma makes you stronger and the lessons it teaches you. Whilst I see that, I also see how it robs you of everything, it strips you from who and what you love, what you knew, your own thoughts, how you used to love and live and not just exist. It steals everything from you and leaves you as a shell of yourself. You literally lose everything and become this dead lifeless shell… but to everyone else, you’re still whole. You’re still you. and you’re still living, existing whatever you want to call it. And it’s the most soul destroying thing trying to find a way to live through something that literally feels like death. #trauma #ptsd #MentalHealth #addiction #bpdtok - @itsmariactually