@llfocus: — Am I actually losing my mind? — What makes you ask? — Nothing specific. That's what bothers me. It's not a night where something happened, it's more that I caught myself watching my own thoughts like a stranger would, and I couldn't tell whether the person doing the watching was reliable. I said something out loud in a perfectly normal voice, and a second later I wondered if it had been true or just convincing. — That doesn't sound like losing your mind. That sounds like checking. — Checking is the problem. I check everything now. Whether I actually feel what I say I feel, whether the sadness is real or just a habit I've dressed up, whether the tiredness is physical or something I'm performing for nobody. I keep opening the drawer to see if the thing is still in there, and every time I look, I'm less sure what I'm looking at. — And what do you find? — Something that looks like me. That's the unsettling part. It doesn't feel like madness, which I imagine would at least be loud and obvious. It feels like a very quiet doubt about whether the person narrating my life has been telling the truth, or has just gotten good at it. — Good at it how? — At smoothing things over. I've told myself so many small versions of "it's fine" that I can't find the original anymore. I've explained away so many feelings, called them tiredness, called them weather, called them nothing, that I don't know if I'm seeing clearly now or just seeing what I trained myself to see. — So you wonder if the doubt is the last honest thing, or the final lie. — Yes. Exactly that. If I'm really going under, then at least it's happening, and I can stop wondering. But if I'm only fooling myself into thinking I'm going under, then I've managed to deceive myself even about the worst thing, and I don't know what's left to trust after that. — Does anyone else seem worried? — No. They see someone functioning. I answer messages, I show up, I laugh at the right moments. Maybe that's why I keep asking. If nobody notices anything, either nothing is wrong, or I've become very good at hiding it, and I can't tell which of those is worse. — And tonight? — Tonight I'm sitting here asking the question to the dark, half hoping something answers, and half afraid of what kind of voice it would use. — Maybe the asking is the part that's still you. — Maybe. It's the only part I haven't been able to argue with yet. #щп #щитпост #щпдослез

werni🪽

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Friday 06 November 2026 14:18:01 GMT