@fraxinusamormeus: I want so much out of life that it makes me want to die because I feel like I can never have it all. But who am I to blame but myself? I think about everything I want, everything I could still do, and somehow I end up feeling guilty for how little I’ve done. I spend so much time imagining my life that I get upset with myself for the life I’m actually living. I think about starting over somewhere new, but I know I might not belong there either. I’ve never belonged anywhere. Still, I imagine finding a place, putting my things away, walking down streets where nobody knows me. I wonder how long it would feel new before I started feeling like myself again. I’m afraid I’d go through all that trouble just to sit in a different room wishing I were somewhere else. And I think back to the happiest I’ve ever been, and I realize I was with the person who made me miserable because I wasn’t with them the way I wanted to be. I was happy just being around them, but I always wanted more. Even while we were together, I was thinking about what we weren’t. Now I miss those moments so much that I almost forget how lonely I felt in them. I feel like I belong solely to being alone. I want somebody to know me, but I get scared when I think about how much there is to explain. How can I expect anyone to know me and want to be with me when I can’t stand myself? I imagine being loved so clearly, right down to the smallest things, and then I have to imagine myself there too. Being seen. Being asked what’s wrong. Having to answer instead of just thinking about what I would say.

179

There are no more comments for this video.

To see more videos from user @fraxinusamormeus, please go to the Tikwm homepage.