@philosophyminis: Most relationships do not end in a big explosion. There is no massive betrayal or a lie. Instead, relationships end with a roll of the eyes and a small, dismissive grunt. And according to John Gottman, the count of happy relationships, the best ones are those where you pay attention. Gottman research looked at thousands of relationships, some successful and some not, and he concluded that the single most important thing of a relationship is the bid. A bid is any attempt to get the attention, the affirmation, or the affection of the partner. It might be as simple as saying, 'Look at that bird outside,' or it might be as big as asking for help. And when somebody opens a bid like this, the partner has two options: either they turn towards the bid, or they turn away from it. When you turn toward somebody, you validate their humanity. You are saying that you think that this person is worth being the centre of your attention, and you are saying, 'I see you,' and that you matter. But when we habitually turn away, such as by staying on our phones or by giving a grunting one-word non-answer, then we are giving an act of silent emotional abandonment. We are saying that you don't matter and that I don't care. Gottman found that couples which stay together tend to have an 80% successful bid rate, and couples which get divorced have as low as 33%. A happy relationship is not built on happily ever after. It's built on a million tiny decisions to look up from our world, and appreciate, and tend to the person in front of us.

Jonny Thomson

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Tuesday 13 January 2026 16:23:32 GMT